My writings from that day are full of direct quotes from this video. She was so spot on that I wondered if she had met my then husband and was talking about him specifically. It helped explain so much of why I found our relationship so hard.
She talked about how individuals who are extremely emotionally immature have an inability to empathize and truly understand another's inner world. They think, “What I feel is what is real so I don’t really need to do a lot of investigation or listening to you because I know what I know about you and I would be happy to tell you and we don’t have to waste time with all this communication stuff because I know I’m right.”
I used to get so irritated when he would tell me what he assumed I was feeling or thinking. And he would say it in such a fact-based way that it wasn't open for discussion. It didn't actually matter what I was really thinking or feeling. All that matter was the distorted worldview he had created for me without my input.
Dr. Gibson further talked about how they are not really open to other perspectives. They think that's "annoying extra talking that doesn’t need to be happening” due to a lack of curiosity of other perspectives. They just want to make announcements, not discuss. In my ex-husband's words, "I just wanted you to accept what I say and not question me." According to Dr. Gibson, their perspective is “You are supposed to be passive and go along with what I think is right.”
She stated they have an “idiosyncratic approach to reality. Anything they don’t like. Anything that makes them nervous. They will tend to deny it, dismiss it or distort it. They interpret reality based on how it makes them feel.” By the end, it seemed he had managed to distort our entire relationship. And he often found ways to dismiss anything I said that he didn't like. Me pointing out that we didn't seem to be understanding each other and trying to clarify was met with, "I'm a great communicator." And I can't count how many times he said "I always mess everything up" in response to a perceived criticism - usually something I was pointing out to help our future interactions not judge our past ones (i.e. could you please not stack the laundry baskets before you add the towels?).
Dr. Gibson also talked about how they have an inability to self-reflect and see how their actions affect others. By this point in our conversations, I had come to that same conclusion about my ex-husband. He had absolutely no ability to self-reflect or see his role in his problems or in our dynamic. It saddened me though then to hear Dr. Gibson say they are not capable of change unless they somehow learn how to self-reflect which often takes a significant negative consequence in their life to get to that point. She gave the examples of having a partner walk out on them or them finding themselves on the wrong side of the law.
Then Dr. Gibson said something that has stuck with me ever since.
“If a person wants to understand what you are saying, it doesn’t really matter how you say it. If a person doesn’t want to understand what you are saying, it also doesn’t matter how you say it. The reception of your message depends on the other person’s world view and the other person’s receptivity and that you don’t have control over.”
This was a lightbulb moment for me because I had been spending years trying to soften my approach, change my tone, adjust the words I used, pay attention to his mood to find the right time to bring things up, etc. This goes back to at least when we were in couple's counseling 2017ish where so many of our sessions were focused on just that. Yet the end result was always the same. He still only heard criticism and attacks in my words. He still was intent on misunderstanding me.
This comment from Dr. Gibson was the confirmation I needed to hear that it didn't matter how I relayed my message when the recipient had no interest in receiving it. Our miscommunications would never improve until he wanted to and was capable of understanding what I wanted to communicate and that part of our miscommunication dynamic was out of my control.
I'm a bit hesitant to admit that this video was so enlightening that I then found a video where Dr. Gibson talked about dealing with emotionally immature parents which I added it to the "Watch Later" videos on my then husband's account (the YouTube account he always used was tied to our main joint e-mail account). It felt so passive-aggressive but none of my direct attempts to communicate with him were working (and I wasn't quite ready to let go yet). I had hoped he would actually watch it and see how his mother had so negatively affected him and his ability to be in relationships with others. But after a few weeks, I saw it disappear from his "Watch Later" videos unwatched.
Now as I watch the video again today, a year and a half later, after a lot of growth and hindsight, I'm pausing a lot at the section about setting boundaries with these individuals. She described setting boundaries as "You are not doing something against that person. You are only trying to get space for yourself." That is something I had started to do in the last couple of years we were together - get some space back for myself.
One boundary was that I was going to enjoy my coffee every Sunday morning while I scrolled the Washington Post. He pushed back almost every Sunday but I never budged from my stool at the kitchen counter until I was done. This was me finally taking some space.
Another boundary I set was asking him not to use speaker phone with his mom. I repeated this request to him many times and he ignored it just as many times so I started leaving the room or apartment altogether or putting on headphones. That was one boundary he didn't comply with until that summer we were separating - then every call with his mom was either in another room or not on speaker phone. But at least in the meantime, I got consistent in enforcing the fact that I was not going to listen in and be drawn into those calls. And I tried to not react - just a simple reminder of my request and quietly leaving the room.
In reflecting on all of this, I now get why I was so drained. Looking at this from more of an outside perspective, this sounds like I was navigating a minefield on a daily basis. It's still weird to me that it didn't feel that way while I was in it but maybe that was because I was using all my energy to navigate the relationship that I didn't have anything left over to analyze what I was feeling.
I'm just now realizing that I didn't have any energy left to be present with myself, aside from my escapes to watch the sunset or observe a bird. And maybe that is the greatest gift I gave myself when we separated - focusing so much of my energy on just being present with myself. One of the most important things of the last year and a half is something I didn't even realize was missing for the last two decades.
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