I'm not going to label or diagnose my ex-husband. To be honest, none of them quite fit. I think that's my own issue with labels though. I see enough gray in this world to realize none of us actually fit very well in square boxes. We are all shaped so differently.
I do know though that he displayed a lot of narcissistic traits. I'm realizing everything he did had a self-motivation focus to it even if outwardly it looked like he was considering my or others' needs. That's especially evident in all the ways he didn't consider my needs anytime there wasn't a benefit to him.
And he lacked empathy. When he wanted to and was getting something out of it, he could pretend to care. There were times he offered sympathy but I suspect it was all a performance to get validation, feed his ego, get people to like him and see him as a good guy. When he didn't think he would get any of those things out of it, he was cold and distant.
He also had avoidant traits. We never even got close to resolving conflicts. Not that couples resolve everything but there wasn't even an attempt or any attempts at repair. He ran from those conversations or deflected or got defensive, anything to avoid accountability or self-reflect. Anything to avoid even the perception that he might be criticized - he interpreted so much as an attack.
And in so many ways he seemed to intentionally stomp on my joy. It's like he wanted me to be as miserable as he felt in his distorted view of his life where the world was out to get him.
He also really knew how to turn it on and perform to keep me in. Our beginning was so intense, maybe even obsessive. The attention, the praise, the promises, the very early discussions about the future were over the top. But that was just one part of a cycle of both highs and lows that repeated throughout the relationship. As I was trying to pack up all my belongings when we separated, I noticed how many letters, poems, and cards he had written me in 2018 and early 2019. In hindsight, I realize this was another time of highs that included a lot of love bombing.
I don't know if this was part of an avoidant cycle fed by dopamine hits followed by distance when things got real or if it was a narcissistic way of breadcrumbing me to keep me in the cycle. Maybe it doesn't matter regardless of intent, the effect on me was the same.
The part of the cycle that I think has been harder to identify is the low parts. Maybe that is why I struggled to see the big picture of so long. I think I got so good at disassociating that I don't even have clear memories of so many of the lows. I also think I'm so good at distracting myself with joy which. minimized how low they felt in the moment. I'm the woman that stomps in puddles in a rainstorm both physically and metaphorically.
I also was raised to be so independent and form my own opinion of my self such that it was harder for him to knock my self-worth down too far. Don't get me wrong - I did a lot of shrinking, losing pieces of my identity, and doubting myself but I wasn't left with no self-worth at all. Everything is relative in life and my starting point mattered here. And so the lows didn't get as low as they could have if my starting point would have been different.
So I'm left with an illusion that has mostly been shattered. And I think the strong love I felt for him was just a trauma bond that he controlled through the intensity of the highs combined with my own morals that kept me committed. And to lose that illusion is to lose the love I believed in which feels like a great loss that makes me really sad.
But maybe that doesn't diminish the love I chose to give. It may have been motivated by limerence/a trauma bond but it still shows my capacity for love. And though we all want to feel love for others and feel loved by others, I believe the most important definition of love is as a verb.
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