Unsettled

My first day back to work yesterday after being on vacation for 2.5 weeks was pretty horrible.  I had so many complex tasks that require a lot of thinking power with short deadlines piled on me.  And the worst was an annual report to justify our funding.  This will be the third year in a row that writing this report has made me feel deeply depressed about my job for reasons I won't get into in this blog.

On top of that my sleep is fitful and interrupted and my mind is so unsettled.  I don't know if it's because I didn't have time to feel while I was on vacation and so everything that was lurking under the surface as I cruised on the same ship where I was married has now poured out. 

Or maybe it's his recent unfollow on IG (after viewing my embarkation day story) and the fact that it seems he may be dating that is hitting me harder than I will admit.

Or as I realized in the shower today as I mentally went over my calendar, maybe it's because my body realizes next week it will be one year since we separated.

Or maybe the more I realize how many signs were there all along, I'm questioning myself - why I married him, why I stayed, why I invested so much in someone who was showing me they wouldn't invest in me, and why I had convinced myself we had a good relationship.

In reality, it's probably all of the above.  Maybe a hip hop cardio class tonight will do me some good in clearing my head a bit to get better sleep tonight.