It's way too quiet this morning, my first morning waking up at home since returning from my vacation last night. Even my alone time on this trip was generally in public spaces where there were other passengers and crew around me. That was even true that morning I was wandering the ship at 5:30 a.m. on a sea day.
So as I sit here, trying to wait just a little longer to let my cold brew coffee have at least 12 hours of brewing, I feel.... I'm not even sure how to find the right words to describe it.
I'm not lonely exactly. I'm comfortable with just my presence and enjoy the time with just my thoughts. Yet, I feel very alone in this world.
I have all these great people in my life both friends and family. I make great memories with them. I feel confident that if I ever needed them for anything they would step up. But there isn't someone proactively looking out for me and maybe even in my marriage there never really was.
I was walking through airports yesterday and I noticed something about couples and families traveling together. (I even noticed this a bit walking with my sister through Boston and Salem to start our trip.). Some couples are really good about making space for their partner and children. They are aware of their surroundings and always looking for big enough gaps for them all and stepping aside to make room for one another. My sister even included me (not just her kids) in her awareness as we walked.
And then there are couples where that doesn't happen. And all the examples I saw were men (although there likely are women who do this too), completely oblivious to their partner and/or children as they navigated the crowds. They often walked in the middle so there wasn't room on either side and cut around people without enough space for their group.
My ex-husband had amazing spatial awareness. He could load a car or truck to make use of every nook and cranny. He could navigate a car into tight spaces without a scratch on the car. He even slowed his pace for his Mom. But when it came to me, I was on my own. He walked in the middle, chose gaps that weren't big enough for me to follow, and sometimes even walked behind me when there was space to be side by side (which puzzled me even more). He was always this way with me as far back as I can remember.
So maybe this feeling of being alone now isn't so much about how I'm now completely on my own but more that I can't use his presence to pretend that I'm not on my alone anymore.
It really infuriates me the way in the end he threw my independence back at me as an insult to him as a man when he was never willing to step up as a partner so I didn't have to be so independent. He couldn't even make space for me as we walked through a crowd.
I just need to remind myself that I've always had my own back to help me recognize how competent I am at facing this world on my own. And although I may not have someone consistently and proactively looking out for me, I have a community of people who will check up on me and step in when I need something.
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