Still a little bitterness

I looked at his Instagram account today.  It had been a while.  I noticed he was following a lot less people (he doesn’t follow many so it was noticeable).  It appears he finally unfollowed me and my entire family.  Looking at the analytics on both my IG accounts, both accounts lost a follower on June 22, the day after I boarded this ship. 

It’s funny - my feelings are so complex.  It was a bit unnerving how he still seemed to be following so closely, viewing a story or liking a post every month or two, a constant reminder. 

So there’s some relief.  And maybe it is a sign of him moving on, which would be good.  There’s still a fear in the back of my mind that he will resurface  

But the timing of this unfollow feels personal. I feel like he created this entire mess and then made the choice to just run away and leave me with the destruction. He encouraged us to book this cruise knowing what it meant and that I wouldn’t be able to back out and then dumped me. I know it is far more complex than this but it often feels like the consequences of his choices have disproportionately fallen on me. So this felt like a sucker punch in the stomach. 

But then I think back over the last two weeks as I sip one last glass of wine while I listen to the Celtic drummer, and I feel really fortunate. This trip was better because he wasn’t here. I spent more one-on-one time with my niece and nephew.  I socialized with my parents without worrying about whether he was entertained.  I ate what I wanted, did what I wanted, wandered where my feet took me, and slept when I wanted. And there was no one to worry about (except maybe my 14 year old niece running out into traffic-she takes after my sister!).  Maybe he wasn’t as good a travel partner as I thought….

So I’m still bitter over the way he treated me and the way he ended it. He created so much more pain than was necessary.  I deserved so much better. And I’m sad about all the years and energy I invested him.

But I’m so much better now. I created a reel of the bar hop I was convinced into participating in this week and marvel at the smiles and joy on my face. I love the woman I see in that video. Maybe it took the pain to find that woman.