Depression

In high school and early college, I survived depression.  I slept all the time, even through most of my physics classes (my teacher didn't mind since I still got my work done).  When I wasn't sleeping, I would spend hours swinging on the swings in our backyard lost in my thoughts.

I lost interest in what I enjoyed.  I even quit color guard and being the color guard captain during my senior year, although that decision may have been a bit more complicated than just my overarching depression.  I quit driving because the antidepressants I was on scared me.  I was so skinny so I suspect I was not eating well either.

But I was still very functional.  My grades never dropped even a little.  I still taught Sunday School with my parents and participated in church.  I even gave a speech at my graduation.  And eventually I went away to college, made friends, and got good grades.  So it took some convincing to get my parents to understand I needed treatment.  Therapy and then a couple of relationships where I felt seen helped turn things around.  First it was the girl I dated the summer between freshman and sophomore year of college.  That was probably the first real turning point.  

Then I studied abroad the second half of sophomore year which really challenged me.  And then I met my now ex-husband shortly after returning from abroad.  The initial stages of that relationship were a whirlwind romance where he seemed all in.  I wonder if what I experienced then is what people call love bombing now.  In hindsight, I realize this was the dopamine talking during the infatuation stage.  It was only surface level even if it felt really deep.

Dealing with depression was a really scary time for me, so much so that ever since, I have kept tabs on certain aspects of my mental health in hopes of catching things early if I ever start heading down that path again.

I really hope that these past couple of weeks are just a temporary low point but they are scaring me a bit. I'm not eating like I should.  My mind is foggy and I'm not remembering things.  My sleep is very off - wanting to sleep way too much some days and sleeping fitfully other nights.  And the tears flow so freely so often which just confuses me with all the progress I've made over the past year - you would think I wouldn't be back at what feels like the beginning again.

And I just want to hide myself in my apartment while at the same time being completely stir crazy in the quiet of my home amidst the noise of my mind.  Every time I feel stuck, I put my shoes on and push myself to go outside which means I'm walking over to the local park 2, 3, sometimes even 4 times a day.

Plus, all these activities, social events, and groups I have been trying out over the last year just seem so overwhelming right now.  I was going to come up with a plan for the next things I would try this fall but am completely frozen.  Even this work training I'm traveling for this week has me filled with so much apprehension.

I'm doing all the right things.  I'm calling my mom regularly to have someone to talk to.  I'm pushing myself out into the spaces I know are so good for my healing.  I'm writing.  I've even made use of my apartment pool to swim laps the last two mornings.  I've got an appointment with my therapist later this week.  I know I will be okay.  But that doesn't negate how what I'm experiencing now is reminding me too much of what I went through years ago.