Stability, limerence, marriage

I crave stability, maybe more than anything else.  I don't necessarily need to be in control of all that happens in my life but I feel the need to be prepared to react to life in ways that maintain that stability even through change and uncertainty.

My parents (and most of my extended family) were examples of how marriage can play a huge role in creating that stability.  

They also (likely unknowingly) modeled how marriage can be a replacement for the hard work of maintaining adult friendships as an introvert.  We've had some interesting conversations around the importance of friendships since my divorce.

So when my now ex-husband found me working in a grocery store in college at a time when I wasn't even thinking about dating and my most recent relationship had been with a woman, maybe what I saw in him was that chance at stability and a connection when friendships were getting harder.

And then as our relationship progressed, I saw in him a nice man, who seemed honest, and who had his shit together.  He knew his career path.  He was hard-working and excelling in his studies so there was no doubt he wouldn't finish and go on to get the CPA he talked about.  He was smart with his money even as a college student.  Our values seemed in complete alignment.  And at least in the beginning, I liked who he presented himself to be.  

While in the marriage, he provided that stability and friendship.  He never lied to me about finances.  We planned openly together about how to prepare for a future.  He took actions to back up his words when it came to providing that stability.

My therapist last night brought up the idea of limerence.  As I understand it, limerence is when you put someone or something up on a pedestal, focusing only on the good, creating this fantasy version of them/it.

I don't know if I necessarily put him up on a pedestal, although the version of him I knew was a fantasy.  I am someone who always looks for the good in people and situations.  And I know I did that with him.  He also was feeding me bad intel by pretending to be something he was not.  But even with that positive view of him, I still saw him as a man with flaws.

But I do think I put our marriage up on a pedestal, focusing on the parts that were really good (like all the planning we were doing to create stability) and ignoring the parts that maybe weren't so good (like the fact that I was filtering how I interacted with him to avoid triggering him and I was holding back on my emotions because I didn't feel there was space for them in the marriage).  And I think I did this because I value stability more than being loved.

The problem I didn't foresee was that there can't be stability in a marriage where your spouse isn't investing in the relationship.  An unbalanced relationship like that can't last.

So as I now see my ex-husband through pretty clear eyes and recognize how much better off I am without him, I think I'm still holding onto the marriage I put on a pedestal which is clashing sharply with reminders of the reality of that marriage.