Great relationships are built, not found which requires effort by both people

I read recently that great relationships are built, not found.  I think there is a lot of truth to that but it starts with finding a partner who also understands that and leans into that. One person can’t build it on their own. 

I think that is where I went wrong. I think I always knew on some level that he didn’t love me the way I loved him but I believed my love and the effort I put in would be enough.  That journal entry from before we married where I acknowledged I would never be his first priority and I didn’t feel I could talk to him about it was an early sign. 

And then there another sign as we went through counseling together years into our marriage and the focus was so much on me and how I needed to change my tone and the words I used to not trigger him.  We were in counseling because of his emotional affair yet for some reason it was all on me to fix it.  Years later he even admitted he didn’t think he was the problem.  

In hindsight, I realize he wasn’t consistently communicating his needs and he wasn’t consistently willing to listen to my needs. He would often get defensive or turn it back on me if I tried to express a need.  And so over the years, I turned to myself for my own needs and asked less and less of him.  You can’t build something great together if you can’t communicate openly about what you need and want.

It was a bit an ah-ha moment when we were separating and he talked about love as a feeling and didn’t agree it was a choice or a verb requiring action.  He had bought into the Hollywood romance concept where all it takes to live happily ever after is falling in love, a narrative that completely lacks the part where two people intentionally build their relationship.

This view of his probably shouldn’t have surprised me. He always has been a “life happens to me” kind of person vs someone who makes something out of what they are given in life.  Although, I’m not sure until this past year, I realized how distinct those two viewpoints are and how much they affect your world view and maybe even overall happiness.

I don’t know if I’ll ever try again with someone new but if I ever do, I’m going to try to be more careful early on to pick someone invested in building and communicating.  And in the meantime, I can apply this to the rest of my life.  I can be intentional in the relationships I build with friends, family, and even myself.  I can recognize my limits when I’m trying to build with someone who isn’t doing their part to build with me. And I can be intentional in the life I create.