Success

I did it.  I took an interview course, meant for attorneys, with people who have far more interviewing experience than I do.  It's relevant to my job, even if it wasn't marketed for me.  As a paralegal who has also been doing the job of our investigator for the last 2.5 years, I participate in most of our witness interviews and occasionally lead them myself.  And it's relevant to the investigator role I hope someday to move into.  

But I was apprehensive coming here.  I wondered whether I would hold my own, whether I would fit in.  I didn't need to worry though.  I did hold my own.  The instructor was impressed with my contributions in class.  And the feedback on the interview I led was mostly positive.  And based on feedback we each received, I would put myself in the middle of the pack with my interview team.  Nobody questioned whether I belonged.

But the training did bring up some reminders and reflections of my marriage.  I was supposed to attend a similar course when COVID hit.  I remember my ex-husband making comments that made me think he was a bit jealous.  I didn't know what to make of it at the time but it makes a bit more sense now with some hindsight.

Since the early years of our relationship, I remember him talking about wanting to be in law enforcement.  I think this was a dream that goes back to at least college, maybe further.  His first government job (which was on the civil side of law enforcement) was a first step towards that dream although at the time, I thought it was the dream itself.  Over time, I realized he saw it as a stepping stone to get into criminal work.  I remember some conversations as he got close to his mid-30s and I think that is when I realized how serious he was about it.   He applied to a couple different agencies and even interviewed with one but he never secured a criminal position before he hit the age deadline.

Meanwhile, he watched me go from a high school teacher, into the legal field, and then ultimately into a more prestigious federal law enforcement agency.  Last year, I was even interviewing for an investigator position.  Ironically, I'm only in the position I'm in because I thought a government position would give me more flexibility if he got one of his dream jobs which likely would have required us to move frequently.

As he separated, it came up that he resented me, maybe even blamed me for not getting the job he interviewed for in his mid-30s.  He claimed I wasn't supportive enough.  And then in one of our last interactions, he tried to get a promise out of me that I would tell him if/when I got an investigator job.  For someone who hadn't shown this much interest in my successes while we were married, this felt odd at the time.

And then I think back to his complaints about not getting promotions he wanted and his overall unhappiness in many of the positions he held with his current agency.  And I think about the comments he made while we were separating that seemed so focused on comparing himself to me as if we were competing.  And I remember the jealous comments he made when I signed up for a course led by a retired FBI agent.

Putting all that together, I can't help but wonder if he was intimidated by me, if he saw my success as a reminder of what he perceived as his own lack of success (emphasis on perceived as he was successful in his own right).