Sometimes I wish, just for a moment, that I could push my emotions down deep inside and pretend they didn’t exist like my ex-husband does. That’s surely what he is doing now with the timing of jumping into the dating world just after I boarded the ship we had booked for our 20th anniversary.
But instead I sit here in the pain of betrayal, the pain of the clash between reality and fantasy (a fantasy script he helped write), and the grief of the love I once thought I had and now believe will likely never experience.
It isn’t fair that he got to feel what it is like to be loved deeply by someone and I didn’t. Why does he deserve that kind of love and I don’t? I know life isn’t fair but that doesn’t make it less painful.
So let the rain pour on me. May it wash away my tears. May it take away the pain and put a smile on my face.
(And to my ex-husband, the joke’s on you, if you truly think I’m not emotional enough-someone without many emotions wouldn’t keep coming back to this same therapy bench for a year and counting, to process the shit you put her through. I’m not more or less emotional than you, I just know how to manage my emotions so they don’t negatively affect others or the future I am building.)
He sleeps with someone new
as she sails the ship he booked,
the one where they were married.
She lets her tears fall
while he holds his in
hoping they never bubble up.
He complains to the rain
as she dances in it,
her tears turning to laughter.
She revels in her new found energy
as he wonders why
his life has become harder.
He buries his wounds even deeper
while she works hard to heal hers,
marveling in the transformation.
The pain still remains,
an opportunity to grow
or a hurdle to the future.
No comments:
Post a Comment