Struggling with mixed feelings in celebrating others' intact marriages

A lot of weddings must happen in late May and early June.  It seems everyone is having an anniversary around me with several hitting that 20 year mark this year like I would have.  My aunt and uncle recently renewed their vows in Las Vegas to celebrate their 20th anniversary.  My supervisor celebrated her 20th anniversary last Wednesday.  At least two cousins have posted about their anniversaries.  I'm sure my sister's is coming up quickly too as I remember she had a June wedding.

I'm happy for them.  I hope it means their relationships are and remain strong.  If I'm honest, I'm skeptical that they may not be what they appear on the surface.  And as I approach the date that would have been my own 20th anniversary, I'm reminded of the betrayal.  

I'm going through a stage again where I feel a lot of anger.

And it's not the fact that it ended that is at all a factor in that anger.  It's how he handled it all.  It's the years of silence.  It's the abrupt end with no lead up and no real explanation.  It's the choice to try and pin the blame on me instead of being self-reflective and accountable so that we could have an honest conversation and find some closure.  It's his repeated decision to choose comfort over the hard conversations that would have lead to connection and then try to blame me for a lack of connection.

It's the fact that he was okay watching me pour into and invest in him and our marriage when he wasn't willing or able to do the same for me.  This last one might be the hardest.  I could never be okay with that. I could never take advantage of someone's love and loyalty like that.

So I'm acknowledging that I'm on a bit of a bumpy road right now.  And my anger may come out as I swear under my breath as I walk through the park.  I laugh a bit as I think about what that might look like from the perspective of a stranger passing by me.  

But this too shall pass.  And I've got community to get me through.  I even got a hug from a church friend, one of the women I'm gathering with on Wednesday, when I ran into her as I was arriving at church this morning.  I'm humbled by the love she sends my way.