Saturday ramblings

I was never going to be enough in helping him regulate his own emotions so he is running to spend time with the woman (his mom) who can't regulate her own emotions.  The irony.

I envy the freedom he has to go telework in other places to be able to spend time with his family, a luxury my job does not give me.

Maybe that is why being alone in my apartment is bothering me today.  I'm restless.  I'm lonely.  The hours until the water lantern festival this evening are passing slowly.  

And a glitch in the Delta app has been sending me notifications about his bag being loaded on and off the planes.  I'm not logged in as him so I don't know why I'm getting those notifications.  It's like the ChargePoint app notifications about his car being charged earlier this week.  I have since created my own account and am not logged in as him anymore yet still get the notifications.  My phone doesn't want me to forget him, as if that is possible at this point.

Sometimes it's not until the end of a relationship that you truly realize the role you played.  Twice now since the day we got the keys to our separate apartments has he come to me with a bit of panic at something not having gone quite right - both times I suspect were due to his own error.  In the past, they were things I would have just handled, calmly.  I wouldn't have stressed.  I just would have solved them.  He eventually solved them on his own but not without the stress.  Was I the calming influence like his dad was so often to his mom?  Or will I have my own struggles I face at some point of things he would have handled where I will panic like he did?

Part of me suspects that I am better equipped to handle living alone than he is but if that is the case, it really worries me because I'm dealing with plenty of my own struggles.  I don't wish him worse.  A visit home to mom though this close after moving out probably won't help.  I'm not saying he is not capable.  I just think he depended on me for more than he thinks he did.

I chuckled yesterday as I swept my floors and thought about the dishes I've kept up on and the reusable zip lock bags I have cleaned promptly.  He always judged my housekeeping.  I really think he expected me to fail on all that.

I've started ruminating again this weekend, trying to sort out in my mind exactly what happened, why it happened, and why now so quickly.  I'm starting to wonder if my over-analysis is depending too much on assumptions and theories (because of my lack of actual facts) such that I'm completely missing the truth.  I guess it is fitting.  It falls right into the whole issue of not knowing what is real and what is not.  I need to find a way to accept that I'm not ever going to get the answers I seek.

Well, this evening is a water lantern festival.  I have my Haikus written that I plan to put on my lantern representing loss, strength, and hope.  Releasing those messages into the water I hope will be one step on the process of healing.