Lingering feelings of disbelief

Last night as I settled in the back row of the shuttle to start my journey, the thought crossed my mind "he's really not coming."  And then the distance I felt being put between him and me as the shuttle drove further from my city grew greater and greater.  I tried to dismiss it but it has echoed in my mind ever since.  What exactly did I mean by that?

I had re-planned this trip completely without him and even if he wanted to come at this point, I wouldn't have agreed to it.  Too much time has passed.  It's been ten months since I moved out, nine months since the divorce was final.  Too much distance has been created in that time.  I've gained a lot of clarity.  I am a different person now.  So I don't really think this was about wanting him here.

The feeling had some parallels to the earlier days of our separation.  Every significant step I took to start my own life (moving into the spare bedroom, opening my own bank account, signing my own lease, signing the divorce papers, moving into my own apartment, taking that first solo trip, etc.) created distance, felt like one more step towards finality.  And it was accompanied by a sense of disbelief as I tried to make sense of how suddenly my world had been turned upside down and how suddenly it seemed the man who claimed to love me had turned on me.

I think the feelings today still hold a bit of that disbelief.  I can now see the ways he was not good for me.  I can see the drastic improvements in my life.  But a disconnect still remains (and may always remain) between the marriage I thought I had and the reality of how it ended.

The Healing Rain

As I stepped out the door of work this afternoon to head home to get my luggage and catch my shuttle to start my vacation, the skies opened up.  I stepped on my scooter and kicked off, ploughing through the first puddle as I navigated towards home.  The rain pelted my face, even obscuring my vision at times.  Rivers formed on the sidewalks and streets, my foot disappeared into deep puddles as water splashed behind me.  And I laughed and smiled the whole way home.

I love the rain.  It has a way of washing away my worries and cleansing my soul.  It was exactly what I needed on this very day.  I can't imagine a better way to start this vacation with my family on the ship where I was married.

Thank you for the rain.

My Meltdown Last Night

This isn't my first solo trip.  I had gotten into a good routine before each previous trip to put my playlist on, dance, sing, and pack.  I felt good leading up to yesterday evening.  The excitement had been building.  This is going to be a fantastic trip with family who love me.

And then when I got home from work, I looked for anything I could to procrastinate.  My suitcase lay empty on the bed.  I tried putting my playlist on but abandoned it after only a song or two.  

By this point it was almost 7pm.  I then sat down at my kitchen table and the tears started flowing freely.  This isn't just any solo trip.  This is the trip he suggested and helped plan on the ship where we were married in the month of what would have been our 20th wedding anniversary.

So I called my parents.  My dad answered.  I had interrupted him in the middle of getting some code to check on one of his financial accounts but he wouldn't even think of finishing that task and calling me back.  He was there on the other end ready to talk to me.  And the tears started flowing again.   He listened and he encouraged.  And he acknowledged the feelings I was going through.

And then he passed me off to my mom and I opened up by joking about how many pairs of sandals I can bring. And then we talked too.

I don't even really have words to explain the feelings running through me.  It all came on so suddenly although to be honest, I had been expecting it at some point - and I'm sure it won't be the last.  I feel a lot of anger that he did this to me.  And there is so much grief - grief for what I thought we had, grief for the future I thought we were building, grief in the person I became and the self I lost by staying with him for so long, and grief over the good times we did have.

I finished packing.  Who knows if I remembered everything but as I always tell myself before each trip, as long as I have the necessary IDs and cash/credit cards, I can make any trip work.

And then I couldn't fall asleep for hours.  Except now my mind had turned to fear of all the things that could go wrong in my next travel days.  I must have fallen asleep at some point though because I woke up to the start of daylight seeping into through the blinds.  And now today, without any coffee since I finished the last of my cold brew yesterday, I sit here getting ready for work, throwing the last minute items in my suitcase, and re-setting the thermostat temperature for when I will be gone.  I catch a shuttle after work and then the adventure begins.

The Chapel

This morning, I spent some time looking at the deck plans for the ship I embark on soon.  I was curious where the chapel I was married in was located so I could prepare myself and not just suddenly stumble on it one day without warning.

I discovered the ship no longer has a chapel which doesn't surprise me.  It has been through many renovations in twenty years and most cruise lines have removed their chapel in favor of space that gets used daily and can generate more revenue.

So then I wondered where the chapel used to be.  I'd hate to be sitting in some lounge that suddenly felt familiar.  I couldn't find any old deck plans but I did find a couple Cruise Critic discussions about it.  Interestingly, the chapel was only in existence for about 2 years.

The ship first sailed in 2002 and supposedly had a computer-aided golf simulator on deck 10, midship.  The golf simulators on the Vista class ships didn't last long though.  So people believe it was in 2003 that the golf simulator was removed and the chapel was created in its place.  I was married in June of 2005.  In December of 2005, the ship went through her first dry dock.  At that time the chapel was converted into what is now known as The Loft, a space for teens.

So I guess I don't need to worry about accidentally stumbling upon the space.  

Once I lost my husband, I suddenly fit.

I said something tonight that I didn't understand as it came out of my mouth and maybe don't even fully understand now.  My therapist was talking about how fortunate it was that in my search for a choir I ended up at a church full of community.  I probably wouldn't have found the same type of community if I had been able to find a secular community choir.  And I hesitated a moment when she said that because I almost walked away from this church and choir last year.  After more than five years of attending and singing in the choir, I hadn't really found my place.  I hadn't found the connections I had hoped to find.  And then I said something to the effect of once I got rid of (lost may be a better word) my husband, I suddenly fit.

And now, they have become my extended family, my community.  Did I just not see them before?  Maybe partly.  But maybe once I felt free to be me, I could find those deeper connections.

Renée Harmon wrote a blog post about Appearances this month.  I really connected with it and so reached out to her and said the following:  

The curated version of our self vs the authentic version. We probably need both depending on the situation but deep connections with people require more authenticity.

I really enjoyed your post. It really spoke to me. It’s been a topic of my own self-reflection lately too, with the added complexity of also trying to figure out what is my authentic self.

I wonder how much of my authentic self shone through during the marriage.  How much did I curate myself into what I thought he wanted?  When did that process start?  All the way back at the beginning?  Maybe before we even married and I realized he wouldn't ever prioritize me?  Or maybe after we had been married a few years and things were rocky?  Or maybe as we went through couples' counseling at a time when he thought I was the problem so focused on my flaws?

For another day, maybe after my trip, I want to do some reflecting on my couples' counseling experience (about 8 years ago).  It got me seven more years of memories with him and brought me to a city I love but at what cost to my sense of self?  Not that I want to weigh whether the good was worth the cost.  But maybe there is some healing to do there.

A flashback

The fire alarm went off last night.  At the blaring sound, I looked out my window and saw four police cars lined up on my side of the building so I quickly threw on some more clothes and headed out.  

Once outside, I saw my ex-husband exit with his noise cancelling headphones on and sit on a bench just feet from the building and then bury himself in his phone.  He hates noise (although outside it wasn't very loud) and had we still been together I would have stayed by his side to listen to his complaints, validate him, and soothe him - we have been through plenty of fire alarms together (mostly at the previous apartment complex).

With that context in my head, I was a bit taken aback at how unattractive he looked.  

And then, I wandered to see if I could figure out what was going on.  I walked to the other side of the building to check out the fire truck and then I made my way around to my side of the building to see if I could see anything going on with the police there.  It was a bit freeing to dismiss any worries of him as not my problem anymore.

It then reminded me of the last fire alarm about a year ago.  He was traveling for work so I was on my own.  That one was a real fire and sprinklers had gone off in one of the units creating a waterfall from their second floor balcony.  I didn't have to worry about taking care of him then either.  

Although I remember the night ending in mixed feelings because he never checked in with me that evening as he usually did before bed.  And even though e-mails that he would have seen went out from the property manager about the fire, he never touched base with me about it.  So that evening last year, I was left feeling pretty alone.

I guess that's a positive comparison.  I didn't feel alone last night.  I just felt free and maybe a bit sad for him as it doesn't look like anything has really changed for the better for him.

Will this friendship survive the new me?

She shows up every few months - sometimes just because I reach out although I'm doing that less and less often.  And with each re-emergence comes chaos or plans made that are cancelled and endless apologies.  She was my closest friend when the separation happened but has slowly been replaced by many others.  After the fact, I realized when in a recent session my therapist asked about who my community was, her name didn't even come up.

And it all happened again Saturday night.  A couple of hours before I headed out to the Pride Parade, she texted me and asked if she could bring her oldest to the parade.  I responded with information and she told me she would text when she got there.  More than an hour after I arrived, she texted that she was on her way and I answered more questions.  At that point, I wondered whether she would get in the way of my growth, my chance to practice my mingling skills.  But I was excited to see her.  It had been a while.

I then shared my location thinking it would help her find exactly where we were.  A little while later, she texted, "I'm really lost" without any further information for me to help her.  I didn't know how to respond.  I worried but I questioned what good that would do.  I reminded myself that there was nothing I could do and I had already sent her my exact location so her phone would be able to help her find me.

It was hard to mingle after that.  My eyes kept focused on further beyond, hoping to catch a glimpse of her.  I felt a bit of anger at her unhelpful text.  Why sending a worrying text without anything further to get help?

And then she arrived with both kids.  We didn't have a real conversation though because her daughters were running wild.  I feel like they were feeding off of her anxiety.  And then she went to find a spot to sit and watch the parade.   What followed as I waited to march off were apology texts and excuses about her nerves being so frayed and that she would be more chill next time.

From a previous conversation, she tells me she is happy but she clearly is so overextended.  I feel for her but I wonder how much of it she brings on herself.  But mostly, I'm just tired of the chaos, the inconsistency, and how little she has been there for me.  And in this moment, I realized how much energy I spent soothing her emotions, in a pattern that wasn't all that different than the one I had with my ex-husband.

At first when the separation happened, I felt a lot of sadness and so alone that she couldn't/wouldn't be there for me.  And she cancelled so many times I stopped getting my hopes up that we would actually get together.  But I kept reminding myself how much I enjoyed the times we were able to spend together.  But now?  I'm not even sure I'm enjoying the time with her.

Did he ever truly fit?

Somewhere along Seventh Avenue, under the glow of the street lights, as I was swept away by an immense energy of the crowd lining the streets and the people marching along side me, I realized something.

My ex-husband would no longer fit into the life I am living today.  

He wouldn't fit in with the community I'm building.  He wouldn't fit in with the energy I'm radiating.  I'm not even sure he would fit in with the values I'm leaning more into now.

It's a bit strange to think about as I try and unwrap the last two decades of my life with now.  I took him to this same parade two years ago.  Did he fit in then?  I remember spending some time as we waiting for it to start chatting with two older straight couples (neither of which were here this year).  But we didn't really mingle with all the rest.  We stayed on the periphery.  

And I remember loving the energy of the parade but I also remember balancing it with concern for him - was he too hot?  was he enjoying himself?  was he happy?  It's interesting I got just a tiny taste of that yesterday evening with a friend who briefly showed up but I think that's a topic for an entire other post.

How much did I hold back to make sure I fit into his world?  How often did he ever enter my world?  And when he did, was I still twisting myself to try and get him to fit?

And how did this happen without me even realizing it?  I'm an independent, educated, self-reflective woman who isn't afraid to go against the grain yet I still fell into harmful societal roles and expectations.

A new kind of grief washed over me as I tried to fall asleep last night - a grief over who I could have been.

My next trip - a hurdle? a new start? grief and joy mixed together

Last night, I printed my luggage tags for my next cruise.  That's one of the big steps in the anticipation of an upcoming cruise.  I've also gotten e-mails reminding me of my upcoming hotel stays.  It will be here before I know it!

I'm excited.  First and foremost, I'm really excited.  There's something about the sway of the ship, the salty air, and the sun rising over the water that speaks to the depths of my soul like nothing else.  And the chance to hug my parents, sister, niece, and nephew is something I've been looking forward to since I last saw them at Thanksgiving.  And last time I visited Quebec City, it stole my heart.  I even have a special outfit picked out for the day I plan to spend wandering the city.

But he was supposed to go with me.  Since we were planning to just join for the second week, I had been trying to convince him that we should book a night at the Frontenac Castle.  Wouldn't that have been cool?  And we would have been able to walk the halls together of our honeymoon.  I would have imagined myself in that very suite getting dressed in my wedding gown - a gown that hopefully someone snatched up from Goodwill - I didn't know what else to do with a gown that old in the rush to divide our stuff last year.  

We would have taken that excursion to view puffins and gannets and other amazing birds together - him with his binoculars pointing them out to me, me with my camera documenting what we saw.

But it wasn't meant to be.

So I'm traveling by myself but I will not be alone.  I will have to figure out how to navigate shuttles, buses, and Boston on my own but then I will reunite with a family that loves me.  I'm apprehensive about doing some of that on my own but I know that I am resourceful and I am prepared.

There will be grief.  I can't take this trip without grief of what once was and what might have been.  But I will overcome that.  I will make new memories.  I will work through my grief until I reach the joy.  I will smile and I will cry.  I will order good champagne to share and toast to the new me.  And I've already informed my sister of her duty to steal my Espresso Martini one night and pass it around the table as a ritual to complete the cycle - twenty years ago, it was her Espresso Martini I stole and passed around the table.

I'm really enjoying the new me and am going to ride that forward momentum into this next chapter while still making some space for the grief of the last chapter.  It's a weird complexity at times but life is too short to not embrace it all.

Feeling more "Me" than I ever have

Yesterday morning,

I put on a brand new outfit, 

admired the emerald green 

against the color of my skin, 

and marveled 

in the way 

my body flowed through it. 

I sat down

at my kitchen table,

picked up my coffee

in my favorite mug - 

deep purple

with etched flowers -

and smiled

into the selfie camera

on my phone.

The woman in that photo

glowed from within,

reflecting back

an authenticity that rang true

and a deep sense of contentment

that she carries in the way she dances 

through her days in this world.

Meeting new people

I showed up at my church's sign making party for the Pride parade.  I didn't know if I would know anyone beyond the church staff but I went anyway.  When I arrived I sat down with someone whose name I knew but who I didn't know all that well.  And then as the night wore on, I found myself circulating and talking to people I did not really know.  Some of their faces were familiar, others were not.

And it all felt comfortable in a way I hadn't expected.  The conversations flowed fairly well.  I got good at finding a way to get people to remind me of their name.  Someone even complimented that they will have to remember the way I phrased it and use it themself.  (If only I could remember the words I used!)

A couple of years ago, I would have only showed up at such an event with someone I knew well and I would have picked a table and stayed put, careful of who I interacted with.

This was a nice change of pace.  This was a stretch of myself that is getting easier each time I do it.

Validation vs. Soothing a Partner's Emotions

One of the complaints my ex-husband had as he was leaving the relationship last summer was that I "never" validated him.  He said, "My therapist said it is reasonable to expect validation in a marriage."  I felt like I was constantly validating so for him to come at me stating that I never validate him left me so confused and hopeless.  It's funny to reflect back on it and realize in that moment, I took the time to validate his need for validation before I continued with questions about what he meant by validation to try and understand what he was missing.  He didn't really have a good answer so he brought up some examples.

His examples made it seem like what he was really looking for was someone to tell him that he was right in how he reacted to his emotions, not just someone to validate that his feelings were valid.  And he seemed to want someone to repeatedly continue validating him as he continued to complain on a topic.  It felt like we were talking past each other because that seemed more than just validation to me.

This morning as I was getting ready, something clicked in my mind.  What he was really asking for was someone to regulate his emotions for him.  When the sound of the dog barking grated on his nerves, he wanted someone to stay with him through it all and continuously soothe him.  And I had grown in recent years and realized how much constantly doing that drained me, I had started to set boundaries and step back from that role.  It had gotten to the point where what I did was never going to be enough and it was taking a toll on me.

I'm not sure I could have put these words to what I was doing in that moment because I didn't have quite this level of clarity at the time.  I just knew what I was doing wasn't working for me or him so I was pulling back.

I wonder if the women he taught with in Philadelphia last spring were willing to try to fill that need in him as they spent so many of their evenings sightseeing together.  And if so, if it was that comparison to that superficial relationship with them to the reality of marriage with me that made him finally walk out the door.  Maybe that's what he meant when he said he didn't miss me like he should miss a wife.  Maybe he didn't have time to miss me because his female colleagues were filling the role he thought a wife should fill.  

Not that it's anymore sustainable with another woman but I'm not sure he gets that. Earlier in our relationship, I put a lot of energy into soothing him.  Even coming from a household that didn't really portray gender stereotypes, I still wasn't immune from society's expectation that women are supposed to care for, soothe, and nurture men.  

My first church name tag

I finally got a name tag! Over the past year, I’ve really come to appreciate the power in a name and in a community where I am known, so this name tag really means something to me.

There was a time in my life when I wanted to be anonymous so ordering a name tag was the last thing I would do. And then last year I started building a community, something that was long overdue, and I felt ready to be known, although the timing was off for a name tag.

I remember a conversation with one of my Pastors, the one I most felt connected to sometime in early August.  I laugh a bit because this was one of my to do list items in those first weeks after he said it was over - schedule an appointment with my Pastor for support and to talk about what community support I could find at church.  The divorce hadn't even been filed yet.

In the day or two leading up to that August appointment, a church-wide e-mail went out about ordering name tags.  My church is trying to be more welcoming and hospitable and one way they do this is by giving members a couple chances during the year to order a name tag to be worn at church and church events.  

In that moment, I knew something had already shifted in me as I longed to order one but struggled with what name to put on it.  I wasn't ready to start using my birth name again - I'm not even sure I had yet decided whether I would revert back to that name but I just couldn't bring myself to order one with his last name on it.  So I let the deadline pass without ordering one.  My Pastor had assured me there would be future opportunities to order one.

This spring that future opportunity came.  I put my order in the same day the church-wide e-mail went out and then began the wait.  And as luck would have it, they extended the deadline to order one by a month which just prolonged the wait even more.

Those name tags came in this past week and so I left home a bit earlier than normal this morning so that I could walk past the welcome center and pick mine my up on the way to choir practice.  My Pastor saw me come in and told me a name tag with my name on it is on the table.  With a smile, I said, "That is why I came in through this building first this morning."  Before I entered the choir room, it was already proudly displayed on my dress and then when I put my choir robe on, I transferred it so it could be seen during the service.

I'm now in a chapter in my life where I'm ready to be known in my community and it feels so foreign and comfortable all at the same time!

I've tried to write a post this morning three times.

I'm feeling off.  I slept in later than normal two days in a row.  My mind seems stuck on wondering what it would have been like if I had married someone who prioritized and chose me each day but my reflections aren't developing beyond that.  

I miss daily conversation.  Yesterday the only exchanges I had with other people were the cashier at the grocery store when I checked out and the person I bought a Festa Italiana ticket from - neither lasting more than a couple sentences.  

So instead of trying to force a post, I'm going to remind myself of the amazing experience I had with two adorable baby Yellow-crowned Night Herons yesterday morning while the light was still golden.  And then I'm going to head to church and connect with my community.

Feel like I'm left holding the bag

Before I get into my anger, I want to write about my joy today.  Both emotions co-exist in the same space.  And without one, I'm not sure I would fully understand and appreciate the other.  So let's talk about baby birds.

My daily commute brings me through an urban park that I understand is home to over 100 species of birds - obviously not all year-round birds, many are here just for a season, others just past through, and some stay year-round.  As a birder, you can imagine my delight to be able to bird every morning and evening on my commute.  This morning was really special.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a yellow-crowned night heron.  At first, I thought he or she was 2-3 year old juvenile that has been hanging around all summer but as I got closer, I saw the fuzz that adorns a baby bird, not long out of the nest.  I stepped off my scooter and just watched in awe for a few minutes.  The baby seemed curious, not afraid.  Then I slowly started walking the way I was heading and the baby followed me in parallel for a little while.  Not wanting to be too late to work, at some point, I had to step back on my scooter and continue on my way but the magical moment has stuck with me all day.

So now that I've written about my joy, I go back to my reflection on my anger.  Anger has been an emotion that has come and gone over the last year although it never sticks around too long.  I don't think it's an emotion worth wasting more energy on than I need to.  But that doesn't negate the fact that I have good reason to feel some anger.

My family takes a family cruise every 3 or 4 years.  My sister's needs and interests as a family with children always seemed to take priority with previous trips and so for this year's trip (which we were planning in late 2023), my parents' let my now ex-husband and I pick where we would go.  He repeated his desire to get back on the ship where we were married and being the month of our 20th anniversary and the ship doing an itinerary that interested us, he really encouraged us to try and make that work.  So we got my family on board and we all booked.  We even intentionally chose the same exact suite we had honeymooned in.

His actions like this just added to my confusion when in 2024 he told me he was unhappy and had been unhappy for years.  Why would he push to book such a trip if he already had one foot out the door?  And it wasn't even a trip, I could easily cancel.  My whole family was booked.  Plans had been made.  It would have cost all of us so much more to re-book a different ship/itinerary.  

So as this trip approaches - we embark in 15 days, I'm angry that I'm left holding the bag while he ran away.  I'm pissed that I'm facing one more (of many) consequence of his choices.   It feels like a never-ending, unwanted gift that won't stop giving.

The ship has been renovated many times over the last 20 years so I imagine the only thing that will truly look familiar is the outside of it.  And I will be surrounded by the love of my family who are ready to make new memories with me.  So I will have a good time.  But if I'm realistic, I know there will be some memories that haunt me.  I just need to find a way to leave the unwanted baggage on that ship.  

Maybe it's my turn to buy the espresso martini that gets passed around the table.

Building Community

Community - that is what was so lacking in my life during my marriage.  I was blind to the value of friendships and connections.  I thought my husband was enough.  As an Enneagram 5 and an introvert, I thought my needs were simple.  I was so wrong.

And so over the past 10 months or so, I've been pushing myself to create that community.  It's had its ups and downs.  It's tested my courage.  It's pushed me so far out of my box I don't recognize myself.  And it's made me so proud of myself.

So if you read last Friday's post about Navigating new friendships, you know the lead up to tonight.  I have to say this is exactly what I needed.  Today wasn't so scary.  It wasn't so sad.  Because I had plans to make it something better.  Today didn't need to be just a reminder of the 20th wedding anniversary that didn't happen and the lost dreams with that (not that there weren't some of those feelings mixed in).  But really, today became a new beginning,  As one of my new friends said, "Happy Birthday because this is the birth of your new life!"

So I met three amazing women for dinner and drinks at the brewery across the street from my apartment.  These are the same women I had an amazing evening with in April that I described in this post.  They didn't come empty handed - flowers, chocolates, and wine sit on my kitchen table now and remind me of their love.  And then the conversation flowed freely on topics that were far from superficial.  I was even vulnerable in describing all the anxiety I overcame to invite them all.  And we all talked about growth and our journeys and what life had taught us.  And we laughed.  And we uplifted each other.

My heart is overflowing.

Pride Month

 Three posts in one day!  I know it is a lot.  But I feel the need to counter the negative in the last two with something positive this month.  I was reminded of that as I opened my Threads feed and saw it filled with Pride Month positivity.  

I almost went to the Pride Bingo tonight but I know myself well enough to know I've got a lot on my plate and this evening's quiet night at home is a key part of enjoying the rest of my plans this month.  And I knew it would be a lot of people - they usually set up outside because of such a huge turnout.  It would have been draining no matter how much fun it might have been.

But I do have plans this Pride month.  It feels different this year.  I belong to a welcoming church that practices what it preaches.  Women, minorities, those from the LGBTQ community all hold leadership roles. And every year, my church gets involved in Pride events around town.

I've already ordered and received new tank tops through my church's Red Bubble website.  On my kitchen table sits a headband with rainbow feathers and a rainbow pinwheel I plan to attach to my scooter for the parade.  A colleague gave me some leftover poster board to make a sign and share with others at our sign making party.  And I've signed up for a shift in our booth at PrideFest.  

When I was married we did go to the parade one year, in 2023 but that was the extent of our involvement.  It wasn't his thing.  I was in a heterosexual relationship and hadn't developed deeper connections at church yet so I didn't push for it.

But this year is different.  It's just me now.  I get to focus on what is important to me.  I don't think this has come up in the blog yet but I'm bisexual.  Before I met my husband, I had dated women - nothing serious, a summer fling with a woman I'm still connected with through social media and a couple casual dates. 

And I'm a bit gender non-conforming.  I love my sundresses and can't wait to dress up on a cruise we have coming up but I don't shave my legs and armpits.  I don't wear makeup.  I don't do my nails.  And when I lived closer to my family, I joined and advocated for the cold weather camping trips with my dad and nephew and sometimes brother-in-law.  This is what feels most authentic to me.

So it's Pride Month!  And I'm ready to jump in more this year.  I can't wait to feel the energy of walking alongside like-minded people, people that are becoming my community.

I should have stayed in bed this morning.

I dreaded going into work.  I've mostly enjoyed my job over the past almost seven years until recently so this dread is new.  And then I foolishly started my day checking my ex-husband's Instagram - see my post from this morning to read about that.  

When I logged in at work, my laptop wouldn't connect to the network so I restarted which resulted in the blue screen of death (do people still call it that?).  After staring at the blue screen for far too long, I finally pushed the power button to force a shut down and then pushed it again to start up the computer again.  Remember this is the brand new laptop I was issued just last Tuesday.  Finally, it was up and running again but I couldn't get the speakers to work for my morning meeting.

By this point, I had no focus left.  I tried to sort through my to do lists and go through my e-mail but it felt like a lost cause.  Then we had a division meeting in the early afternoon where I got to learn of one more wedding anniversary - I'm sure confirmation bias and a bit of exaggeration is playing a role here but it sure seems like everyone has announced anniversaries of their long-term marriages in the last couple of weeks which isn't making the one I would have had on Wednesday any easier.

And then as the work day came to a close, I received an automated e-mail in my personal account that they had cancelled a job posting in my office that I had applied and interviewed for last January and February (2024) which I likely would have been selected for and even if they had decided to selected someone else, it would have at least allowed me to go back to doing just one job. I've been doing two jobs for the salary of the lower of the two positions since December of 2022 (with more work piled on in the last couple of months with people leaving).

I wasn't surprised at the content of the e-mail. They had verbally told me last year they weren't filling the position (after I had gone through the whole process) with some vague explanation that to this day still doesn't make since. But given the current political climate since this January, the hiring freeze, and increased workload because we have lost so many staff, it feels like rubbing salt in the wound to remind me of the promotion they almost gave me last year before my whole world was turned upside down.

He visited a botanical garden?

I unfollowed him on Instagram so I wouldn't see his posts in my feed but haven't yet unfriended him.  And then sometimes I go to his profile just to see what he has posted lately.  I don't know if that is the right thing at this point or not.   He doesn't appear to have unfollowed or unfriended me as every once in a while he likes something I post or watches my story.  None of our families seem to have unfriended or unfollowed the other (with the exception of me removing people from my Facebook which I keep more private than my other social media).

I don't know what made me look at his account this morning but I wish I hadn't.  Yesterday, he went to a botanical garden about 90 miles north of us that we have visited many times.  This was the one we visited on our last overnight trip together to watch the bats leave the cave that I wrote about a few days ago.  

I wonder if he knew how to access the digital card for our garden membership and used its reciprocal benefit.  I hadn't yet taken his name off it because the membership we purchased during the marriage didn't expire until today.  If he did figure it out, he will have discovered I purchased another two years - I hope he doesn't think I'm going to keep his name on it anymore now that the previous one has expired.  But my gut is he didn't figure it out.  I digress, this paragraph isn't really what I want to write about.  It's just a distraction.

We went to many gardens during our marriage.  It is something I did and still very much enjoy.  I could spend hours sitting among the flowers, chasing bees and butterflies with my camera, and breathing in the fresh air.  But there was always a little bit of tension in these visits.  

He always wanted to do everything together so would insist he come with me but he never seemed to enjoy them.  I can remember some trips where he vocally complained the entire time we were there.  There was one trip to the Atlanta Botanical Gardens that sticks out in my mind.  He complained so much it completely ruined the day and I got very upset at him.  He didn't apologize or take any accountability when I brought it up.  He just tried to distance himself from it and change the subject as fast as he could.  Although he was never quite that bad again on future garden trips.

Other times, he would just impatiently follow me, sitting on benches outside the gardens and cringing if I walked through wet ground that might be even a little muddy.

It used to frustrate me that he would be so impatient and sometimes complain through something I loved, these trips to the gardens yet I figured out how to make a fun day out of the car shows we went to for his benefit despite having absolutely no interest in them.

At this particular garden he visited yesterday, there was this one herb garden that he rarely entered.  He would sometimes snap a few photos of me photographing the flowers and butterflies at the entrance but then he would find a bench.  I'm sure I'm forgetting some but I don't actually have any memories of him entering this herb garden.  Standing inside of it alone looking out over the fence to see him on a bench is what sticks in my mind so vividly.  So, I felt like I was punched in the stomach to see that specific garden show up in his Instagram reel.

When I see things like this after the separation, it feels like while we were together he intentionally made life harder for me.  If he can enjoy the gardens by himself, including that herb garden, why couldn't he let me enjoy them while we were together?  I always thought he was a considerate man but as I truly look back on his actions, I see that he was only considerate when it made him feel good and fed his ego.

Struggling with mixed feelings in celebrating others' intact marriages

A lot of weddings must happen in late May and early June.  It seems everyone is having an anniversary around me with several hitting that 20 year mark this year like I would have.  My aunt and uncle recently renewed their vows in Las Vegas to celebrate their 20th anniversary.  My supervisor celebrated her 20th anniversary last Wednesday.  At least two cousins have posted about their anniversaries.  I'm sure my sister's is coming up quickly too as I remember she had a June wedding.

I'm happy for them.  I hope it means their relationships are and remain strong.  If I'm honest, I'm skeptical that they may not be what they appear on the surface.  And as I approach the date that would have been my own 20th anniversary, I'm reminded of the betrayal.  

I'm going through a stage again where I feel a lot of anger.

And it's not the fact that it ended that is at all a factor in that anger.  It's how he handled it all.  It's the years of silence.  It's the abrupt end with no lead up and no real explanation.  It's the choice to try and pin the blame on me instead of being self-reflective and accountable so that we could have an honest conversation and find some closure.  It's his repeated decision to choose comfort over the hard conversations that would have lead to connection and then try to blame me for a lack of connection.

It's the fact that he was okay watching me pour into and invest in him and our marriage when he wasn't willing or able to do the same for me.  This last one might be the hardest.  I could never be okay with that. I could never take advantage of someone's love and loyalty like that.

So I'm acknowledging that I'm on a bit of a bumpy road right now.  And my anger may come out as I swear under my breath as I walk through the park.  I laugh a bit as I think about what that might look like from the perspective of a stranger passing by me.  

But this too shall pass.  And I've got community to get me through.  I even got a hug from a church friend, one of the women I'm gathering with on Wednesday, when I ran into her as I was arriving at church this morning.  I'm humbled by the love she sends my way.