My daily commute brings me through an urban park that I understand is home to over 100 species of birds - obviously not all year-round birds, many are here just for a season, others just past through, and some stay year-round. As a birder, you can imagine my delight to be able to bird every morning and evening on my commute. This morning was really special.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a yellow-crowned night heron. At first, I thought he or she was 2-3 year old juvenile that has been hanging around all summer but as I got closer, I saw the fuzz that adorns a baby bird, not long out of the nest. I stepped off my scooter and just watched in awe for a few minutes. The baby seemed curious, not afraid. Then I slowly started walking the way I was heading and the baby followed me in parallel for a little while. Not wanting to be too late to work, at some point, I had to step back on my scooter and continue on my way but the magical moment has stuck with me all day.
So now that I've written about my joy, I go back to my reflection on my anger. Anger has been an emotion that has come and gone over the last year although it never sticks around too long. I don't think it's an emotion worth wasting more energy on than I need to. But that doesn't negate the fact that I have good reason to feel some anger.
My family takes a family cruise every 3 or 4 years. My sister's needs and interests as a family with children always seemed to take priority with previous trips and so for this year's trip (which we were planning in late 2023), my parents' let my now ex-husband and I pick where we would go. He repeated his desire to get back on the ship where we were married and being the month of our 20th anniversary and the ship doing an itinerary that interested us, he really encouraged us to try and make that work. So we got my family on board and we all booked. We even intentionally chose the same exact suite we had honeymooned in.
His actions like this just added to my confusion when in 2024 he told me he was unhappy and had been unhappy for years. Why would he push to book such a trip if he already had one foot out the door? And it wasn't even a trip, I could easily cancel. My whole family was booked. Plans had been made. It would have cost all of us so much more to re-book a different ship/itinerary.
So as this trip approaches - we embark in 15 days, I'm angry that I'm left holding the bag while he ran away. I'm pissed that I'm facing one more (of many) consequence of his choices. It feels like a never-ending, unwanted gift that won't stop giving.
The ship has been renovated many times over the last 20 years so I imagine the only thing that will truly look familiar is the outside of it. And I will be surrounded by the love of my family who are ready to make new memories with me. So I will have a good time. But if I'm realistic, I know there will be some memories that haunt me. I just need to find a way to leave the unwanted baggage on that ship.
Maybe it's my turn to buy the espresso martini that gets passed around the table.
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