One of the complaints my ex-husband had as he was leaving the relationship last summer was that I "never" validated him. He said, "My therapist said it is reasonable to expect validation in a marriage." I felt like I was constantly validating so for him to come at me stating that I never validate him left me so confused and hopeless. It's funny to reflect back on it and realize in that moment, I took the time to validate his need for validation before I continued with questions about what he meant by validation to try and understand what he was missing. He didn't really have a good answer so he brought up some examples.
His examples made it seem like what he was really looking for was someone to tell him that he was right in how he reacted to his emotions, not just someone to validate that his feelings were valid. And he seemed to want someone to repeatedly continue validating him as he continued to complain on a topic. It felt like we were talking past each other because that seemed more than just validation to me.
This morning as I was getting ready, something clicked in my mind. What he was really asking for was someone to regulate his emotions for him. When the sound of the dog barking grated on his nerves, he wanted someone to stay with him through it all and continuously soothe him. And I had grown in recent years and realized how much constantly doing that drained me, I had started to set boundaries and step back from that role. It had gotten to the point where what I did was never going to be enough and it was taking a toll on me.
I'm not sure I could have put these words to what I was doing in that moment because I didn't have quite this level of clarity at the time. I just knew what I was doing wasn't working for me or him so I was pulling back.
I wonder if the women he taught with in Philadelphia last spring were willing to try to fill that need in him as they spent so many of their evenings sightseeing together. And if so, if it was that comparison to that superficial relationship with them to the reality of marriage with me that made him finally walk out the door. Maybe that's what he meant when he said he didn't miss me like he should miss a wife. Maybe he didn't have time to miss me because his female colleagues were filling the role he thought a wife should fill.
Not that it's anymore sustainable with another woman but I'm not sure he gets that. Earlier in our relationship, I put a lot of energy into soothing him. Even coming from a household that didn't really portray gender stereotypes, I still wasn't immune from society's expectation that women are supposed to care for, soothe, and nurture men.
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