My Meltdown Last Night

This isn't my first solo trip.  I had gotten into a good routine before each previous trip to put my playlist on, dance, sing, and pack.  I felt good leading up to yesterday evening.  The excitement had been building.  This is going to be a fantastic trip with family who love me.

And then when I got home from work, I looked for anything I could to procrastinate.  My suitcase lay empty on the bed.  I tried putting my playlist on but abandoned it after only a song or two.  

By this point it was almost 7pm.  I then sat down at my kitchen table and the tears started flowing freely.  This isn't just any solo trip.  This is the trip he suggested and helped plan on the ship where we were married in the month of what would have been our 20th wedding anniversary.

So I called my parents.  My dad answered.  I had interrupted him in the middle of getting some code to check on one of his financial accounts but he wouldn't even think of finishing that task and calling me back.  He was there on the other end ready to talk to me.  And the tears started flowing again.   He listened and he encouraged.  And he acknowledged the feelings I was going through.

And then he passed me off to my mom and I opened up by joking about how many pairs of sandals I can bring. And then we talked too.

I don't even really have words to explain the feelings running through me.  It all came on so suddenly although to be honest, I had been expecting it at some point - and I'm sure it won't be the last.  I feel a lot of anger that he did this to me.  And there is so much grief - grief for what I thought we had, grief for the future I thought we were building, grief in the person I became and the self I lost by staying with him for so long, and grief over the good times we did have.

I finished packing.  Who knows if I remembered everything but as I always tell myself before each trip, as long as I have the necessary IDs and cash/credit cards, I can make any trip work.

And then I couldn't fall asleep for hours.  Except now my mind had turned to fear of all the things that could go wrong in my next travel days.  I must have fallen asleep at some point though because I woke up to the start of daylight seeping into through the blinds.  And now today, without any coffee since I finished the last of my cold brew yesterday, I sit here getting ready for work, throwing the last minute items in my suitcase, and re-setting the thermostat temperature for when I will be gone.  I catch a shuttle after work and then the adventure begins.