My ex-husband would no longer fit into the life I am living today.
He wouldn't fit in with the community I'm building. He wouldn't fit in with the energy I'm radiating. I'm not even sure he would fit in with the values I'm leaning more into now.
It's a bit strange to think about as I try and unwrap the last two decades of my life with now. I took him to this same parade two years ago. Did he fit in then? I remember spending some time as we waiting for it to start chatting with two older straight couples (neither of which were here this year). But we didn't really mingle with all the rest. We stayed on the periphery.
And I remember loving the energy of the parade but I also remember balancing it with concern for him - was he too hot? was he enjoying himself? was he happy? It's interesting I got just a tiny taste of that yesterday evening with a friend who briefly showed up but I think that's a topic for an entire other post.
How much did I hold back to make sure I fit into his world? How often did he ever enter my world? And when he did, was I still twisting myself to try and get him to fit?
And how did this happen without me even realizing it? I'm an independent, educated, self-reflective woman who isn't afraid to go against the grain yet I still fell into harmful societal roles and expectations.
A new kind of grief washed over me as I tried to fall asleep last night - a grief over who I could have been.
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