Once I lost my husband, I suddenly fit.

I said something tonight that I didn't understand as it came out of my mouth and maybe don't even fully understand now.  My therapist was talking about how fortunate it was that in my search for a choir I ended up at a church full of community.  I probably wouldn't have found the same type of community if I had been able to find a secular community choir.  And I hesitated a moment when she said that because I almost walked away from this church and choir last year.  After more than five years of attending and singing in the choir, I hadn't really found my place.  I hadn't found the connections I had hoped to find.  And then I said something to the effect of once I got rid of (lost may be a better word) my husband, I suddenly fit.

And now, they have become my extended family, my community.  Did I just not see them before?  Maybe partly.  But maybe once I felt free to be me, I could find those deeper connections.

Renée Harmon wrote a blog post about Appearances this month.  I really connected with it and so reached out to her and said the following:  

The curated version of our self vs the authentic version. We probably need both depending on the situation but deep connections with people require more authenticity.

I really enjoyed your post. It really spoke to me. It’s been a topic of my own self-reflection lately too, with the added complexity of also trying to figure out what is my authentic self.

I wonder how much of my authentic self shone through during the marriage.  How much did I curate myself into what I thought he wanted?  When did that process start?  All the way back at the beginning?  Maybe before we even married and I realized he wouldn't ever prioritize me?  Or maybe after we had been married a few years and things were rocky?  Or maybe as we went through couples' counseling at a time when he thought I was the problem so focused on my flaws?

For another day, maybe after my trip, I want to do some reflecting on my couples' counseling experience (about 8 years ago).  It got me seven more years of memories with him and brought me to a city I love but at what cost to my sense of self?  Not that I want to weigh whether the good was worth the cost.  But maybe there is some healing to do there.