Lingering feelings of disbelief

Last night as I settled in the back row of the shuttle to start my journey, the thought crossed my mind "he's really not coming."  And then the distance I felt being put between him and me as the shuttle drove further from my city grew greater and greater.  I tried to dismiss it but it has echoed in my mind ever since.  What exactly did I mean by that?

I had re-planned this trip completely without him and even if he wanted to come at this point, I wouldn't have agreed to it.  Too much time has passed.  It's been ten months since I moved out, nine months since the divorce was final.  Too much distance has been created in that time.  I've gained a lot of clarity.  I am a different person now.  So I don't really think this was about wanting him here.

The feeling had some parallels to the earlier days of our separation.  Every significant step I took to start my own life (moving into the spare bedroom, opening my own bank account, signing my own lease, signing the divorce papers, moving into my own apartment, taking that first solo trip, etc.) created distance, felt like one more step towards finality.  And it was accompanied by a sense of disbelief as I tried to make sense of how suddenly my world had been turned upside down and how suddenly it seemed the man who claimed to love me had turned on me.

I think the feelings today still hold a bit of that disbelief.  I can now see the ways he was not good for me.  I can see the drastic improvements in my life.  But a disconnect still remains (and may always remain) between the marriage I thought I had and the reality of how it ended.