Triangulation with his mom

I wonder how much his own actions pit me against his mother vs his inability to set boundaries and respond in a healthy way to her own dysfunction.  I'm sure it is a complicated dynamic but I think I was too quick to label him just a victim of that dynamic.  It was so much easier to imagine his role that way.  But in hindsight I think he was often an active participant in that toxic cycle.

I think about one of simplest things he did repeatedly that he knew caused me stress.  Despite my requests to the contrary, he insisted on using speaker phone often to talk to his mom which left me either having to vacate the space where I was comfortable or sit through her criticism and negativity, conversations where neither of them actually listened to what the other was saying, conversations where they both spiraled together, etc.  I used to feel relief when the topic turned to what they were having for dinner because that was the only relatable aspect of the ways they interacted.

Regardless of whether he understood how toxic the two of them were together, he knew how the conversations affected me because I communicated that to him and yet he continued that behavior.  That was such a simple repeated decision he made himself that negatively impacted my relationship with her.

And then when we took her on cruises with us, he rarely left her side completely neglecting me.  She would have been very capable of ordering room service breakfast and enjoying a morning to herself or lounging by the pool or spending time in the casino by herself some afternoons.  I wasn't looking to ditch her.  But as an adult, she was very capable of entertaining herself occasionally so the two of us could have had some time together.

Over three trips, 6 days together for a cruise out of Tampa, 17 days together for a Panama Canal cruise, 16 days together for a Hawaii land/cruise trip, I had only two times where I got to spend time alone with him (aside from sleeping) and both were at sunrise before breakfast.  We hiked Diamond Head one morning and did a snorkel turtle excursion one other morning.  Forty one days of trips and she got all of his waking attention except a couple hours two mornings before breakfast.  Those were choices he himself made that negatively impacted my relationship with her.

So now I wonder what he said about me to her behind my back.  He had more flexibility with telework and would go spend two weeks alone with her twice a year.  That spring before we divorced, he spent most of his time in a hotel in Philadelphia where I wasn't physically close enough to listen in on his speaker phone conversations with his mom.  He spent an entire week with her on a Disney cruise that same spring.  And shortly before the pandemic, that lengthy stay she had with us gave him plenty of time alone with her while I went to work, choir, etc.  What did he say about me that may have created a further pit between us?  She was always quick to blame me when she didn't get her way.  Was I just an easy scapegoat for her or was my ex-husband telling her things to create that division or maybe both?

Then despite all I still did for her (even given the above) - the trips I planned with her interests and mobility in mind, the Medicaid and estate planning research I did while her husband was dying, the serious talks I had about finding a home with an in-law suite so they could live with us, etc., my ex-husband still had the gall to blame me for the tension that existed between her and I.  How much did he create the division he was blaming me for?  If he truly was just a victim of his mom's narcissism, then he would feel bad for all the shit I had to deal with from her.  He wouldn't be blaming me for not being close enough to her.  So I have to wonder what active role he played in it all.

I bet anything he has suddenly learned how not to use speaker phone with his mom around his new fiancee (unless it is a carefully controlled conversation) or calls his mom at times when they are not together.  I really think he knew what he was doing.  And he won't do the same with her until she is attached enough and he can use it in a way to interfere to his benefit.  It disgusts me to realize this about the man I married.

I just want to end by saying that it is incredibly devastating to come to realize that the person I loved and trusted the most in life, the person I gave everything to for two decades of my life was intentionally playing me all along.  Sometimes I wonder how I will ever be able to trust again after that but then I remind myself that my ability to see the good in people is a beautiful characteristic that I'm not willing to lose.  One narcissistic man isn't worth that kind of loss.