Dismantling a reality that was all just an illusion

My lock screen on my phone is a photo of me.  My hair is wild from the storm as I walked the beach of Sanibel.  Every inch of my face is lit up in pure joy.  The man I met on the cruise last fall asked me about having a photo of myself on my lock screen.  I don't remember exactly what I said as I stumbled over an answer.  I knew my reasons weren't vain but I assumed it was coming off as vain.

The reason I chose that photo for my lock screen is because I spent two decades of my life hiding from the mirror to the point where I forgot who I was and how beautiful I am (not in a comparative sense but in that way each of us are uniquely beautiful in our authenticity).  This photo is my daily reminder of my authenticity and my now finally grounded reality of today.

Last night, I had another one of those moments where another piece of my married reality shattered.  To watch everything I thought I knew about the man I trusted and loved most in life, the man I devoted more than two decades to, slowly fall away until the man left standing before me is a complete stranger is a kind of mind fuck I don't wish upon my worst enemies.  

And as all those illusions of that man fall away, I am devastated at the pieces of myself I lost, gave away, minimized, hid, changed all for that illusion of a man who always was a stranger to me - I just didn't realize it.  My whole reality became wrapped up in his delusions.  So when his delusions fell, all the delusions I had created about myself in response to him fell as well.  And I hadn’t seen the authentic me in over two decades (and had never met the adult version of me) to even know what to still hang onto, at least at first.

All those years when I was hiding from myself, I should have been running from him.  I hate the word "should".  I always have.  It carries a sense of judgment.  It eliminates the nuance.  And here I am using it on myself.  I deserve as much grace as I give others.