Each time, I felt left behind, unconsidered, and maybe even a bit unloved. It reminded me of how unimportant and low of a priority I was to him. Each time, his actions hurt me and even knowing how he hurt me, he repeated his actions over and over throughout our entire two decades together.
When he abruptly asked for a divorce, it felt like he was darting out into traffic one more time, without empathy or consideration for me and without any communication. I felt left behind in the life we had built. I felt unconsidered, unimportant to him, and unloved, not all that unlike all those times we were actually crossing streets together.
Now today, as I get word he is cancelling his internet at his apartment and the local car wash subscription because of his move (things I still don’t understand why he needed to tell me), I feel like I’m still standing on this side of the street while he has successfully crossed. Except this time, he isn’t looking back wondering why I didn’t follow him because he has found a replacement and no longer depends on the validation, admiration, management of his emotions, etc. I provided for him that was probably the only reason he would look back while we were together.
Now, my mind knows that what is on this side of the street is everything I love and care most about and that when I’m ready to cross the other street to my next chapter, it will be so much better than a life with him over on his side of the street would have been. But that doesn’t erase the feelings of being left behind and so unconsidered by the one person I trusted and loved most.
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