Fear

I went for a walk today.  It was a beautiful day.  About 2.5 miles from my home, up about 300 feet of elevation, is a park that overlooks the entire city.  The view even from the park is breathtaking.  Standing in the middle of this park is a tower with a sculpture of Vulcan on the top that you can climb 160 steps to get an even higher view.  When you reach the top, there is an open grate walkway that circles the tower for 360 views.

It was a quiet morning up at the top of the tower.  I imagine the fact that the elevator wasn't working deterred many.  Or maybe I was just there before it got very busy.  When I got to the top of the stairs, there was a family of four stopped in the entry way just before stepping out onto the grated walkway.  Their oldest (maybe 12ish) had stepped out onto the walkway and was almost dancing as he tried to tell them how great it was out there.  The other three were petrified of stepping out.  I eventually did see them come out but only for a very short time to get a photo.

Then I had the top to myself for a bit before a family of 3 arrived.  Their young son was almost taunting the woman who I assume was his mother (who was clearly terrified) while a man who I assume was the dad filmed it all on his phone.  Gone are the days when your vulnerable moments were just memories in the minds of the people you were with, memories that would fade over time, not be captured on video for eternity.

A bit later, a lone man peaked his head around the corner.  I was standing in the shady section where there was a nice breeze, opposite the exit from the stairs.  He admitted he was terrified of heights and hadn't realized it would be so open.

That's eight different people I encountered with five of them facing a pretty strong fear.  The irony as I leaned against the railing and even looked down and felt nothing but awe of the view, is that I was once them.

It really made me contemplate what fear is and how we overcome it.  If you were to ask me what I did to overcome my fear of heights, I would tell you that I just got tired of being afraid.  But does that even logically make sense.  Can one's exhaustion with fear really be enough for it to just disappear.  Fear plays an important role in keeping us safe, although it can also get in the way of living and so I'm not sure it's a rational thought process we can just make go away.

So why is it that I could so easily enjoy these heights today when a few years ago, they would have created such anxiety I struggled to enjoy the benefit of the view?

Sometimes I wonder if the trauma from the divorce didn't completely re-write my brain.  What seemed impossible before now feels comfortable.