She asked me how I was managing. Without hesitation, I said, "I'm done giving my energy to narcissists." It's a phrase that has echoed in my head over and over since I said it yesterday. I think I was talking about our larger world and politics when I said it but there is truth to it even on a personal level. Not that I mean to label certain people as narcissists (you know how I hate labels) but it was the narcissistic tendencies in certain individuals in my personal and professional life that I wasted way too much energy on.
I then went on to tell her about the power of joy and how it can be our biggest defense. We do far more good by spreading joy in our immediate world than we could ever do worrying about the larger world.
Finally, I shared that sometimes you just have laugh as a more positive release and to keep things in perspective. I shared a story from years ago. She was the second person I have told this story to in recent days because it is on my mind a lot as I pay attention to my reactions to life.
Years ago, I was working for a very small family-owned office. I was the only steady support staff so carried a lot of weight and worked a lot of hours. My large desk and extra table were usually piled really high with papers of the many different things I was working on.
One winter morning after a large snowfall, I walked in early before any other staff had arrived. Overnight, the weight of the snow had caused the roof above my desk to buckle and melted snow had flowed down over my entire desk.
I could have chose to curl up in a ball and cry. I could have walked right back out that door and never come back. I could have yelled or screamed or looked for someone to blame. I could have just thrown it all away and not worried about what projects wouldn't get finished.
But what bubbled up in me was laughter, probably hysterical laughter. It was just such an absurd situation and for it to have targeted the one desk of the person who carried so much of the load seemed crazy. So I laughed and laughed as I emptied the water out of my keyboard, as I spread out the papers to dry, as I started a to do list, etc.
I found a way to release the pent up emotions, recalibrate my perspective, and take control of the small pieces within my reach to make the situation better. That seems like such an important reminder for the times I am in and maybe that is why this scene from so many years ago keeps replaying in my head.
It's so easy to get wrapped up in the anxieties of things we can't control. It's so easy to get overwhelmed when the world feels like it is on fire. It is so easy to hold onto the anger and bitterness when the actions of others cause us harm. It's the latter one I struggle the most with right now. Even as I project calm, peace, and joy, my body still holds the pain, my mind still sometimes keeps me up at night, and I still swear under my breath at the cruelty and unfairness of it all.
Going back to this lunch I had with this friend. I'm not sure it was a good use of my energy. The last year and a half has highlighted a one way flow of energy with her that probably always existed in our friendship. I have enough going on with myself and my own struggles that I need friendships where energy flows both ways. I don't always want to be the one soothing someone else's anxieties and overwhelming emotions. I want to surround myself with people who will also sit with me in my emotions - not take them on for me but sit with me in them.
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