Is he moving out?

I can't wait until he is finally gone from this place.  Why did he decide to stay after the divorce in the first place?  Was it just complete self-absorption to take the easy choice without any consideration at all for me?  Was it a desire to keep tabs on me?  Was it to further remind me of the pain and still try to hold some amount of control over me?

Maybe it doesn't really matter.  Even the least cruel of those motivations is still cruel.

I just can't believe how positively I regarded a man who would so easily cause me so much harm.  I can't believe I fell for his lies and manipulations.  I can't believe I wasted so much love, energy, attention, and time on him.  And I still can't believe he could so coldly throw me away with no warning or real communication after claiming to love me for so many years.  To lie and betray someone who deeply loved and accepted you like that is far beyond anything I can comprehend.

I think it would have been easier on me had he died instead of divorced me.  But I had no control over him and the decisions he made and I will never understand his mentality or get the answers I seek.  So I anxiously wait for him to move out.

As I scootered home today, he was with her trying to get a patio chair into the back of an SUV.  I really hope that means he is finally moving out although it's going to take a whole lot more than just one SUV load.

As I walked past them towards my building, the maintenance man (who has been with this complex since about the time my ex-husband and I moved in to this complex together) was sitting on a bench with a view of it all.  He often is there at that time.  Sometimes we briefly greet each other.  Other times, he is lost in his thoughts or phone and I just walk past.  Today, he had the brightest smile for me and a big wave, far more outgoing and friendly than usual.  I wonder if he remembered us together and had some understanding of what I was seeing.  Regardless, I appreciated his friendly face.

By the time I got back to my apartment, tears threatened to fall and a pit had formed in my stomach.  It hit me harder than I had expected.  There's no rational reason why.  I want absolutely nothing to ever do with him again and have been anxiously waiting for the day when he is gone from the complex I call home.  I should be celebrating this moment but I don't feel celebration.  I feel overwhelmed with emotions I don't really understand.  He doesn't deserve my energy anymore.  

I wish I could feel indifferent towards him, not angry and hurt and sad.  I wish the loss of the marriage and life-long companionship I had always hoped to experience didn't feel like such an empty hole.

And I wish these lows didn't always follow such high highs.  I am still feeling in awe of a conversation I had yesterday morning with someone in Atlanta.  I had hoped to hang onto that pure feeling of awe a bit longer without having to mix it with such grief.