Then I saw my ex-husband walking towards with his red lunchbox in his hand. He was wearing a t-shirt from one of the trips we had taken together - I have a similar one with the same logo but in a different color. He looked old and tired. It had been a very long time since I had come face-to-face with him. There had been some glimpses of him from a distance or through a window but I can't even recall how many months ago it has been since I passed him like this.
As we passed without a word, he tried his best to avoid eye contact while he bit his lip, something I always equated with times he felt unsure or insecure (although I now question how much I truly ever knew what he was feeling or thinking). It was a moment of familiarity in a stranger.
As I walked on, I found myself contemplating the contrast between him and I. I found myself wondering if he himself saw the contrast and how he perceived it. Sometimes I wonder if he will ever recognize the extent of what he lost (or what I gained by us separating).
I know I should be asking myself how I felt so I've been turning that question around in my head since the interaction. And I have nothing. It was as if I was just an observer to the interaction. Sometimes when I think I am present with myself, I'm really just observing myself and I'm not sure they are the same thing.
Later as I reflected on how I have really leveled up in so many ways and how it seems he has not grown and maybe even regressed as he repeats his old patterns (especially after learning new information from my Mom about an excursion he took on his trip), I felt a sense of superiority creep in that I didn't like in myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment