Yesterday evening, I walked into my favorite restaurant for dinner and drinks and the bartender who always remembers me and what we talked about was behind the bar. So instead of asking for a table, I sat down at the bar and chatted with him on and off in between serving other customers for at least an hour and a half. There is not a version of me from my past that would have ever done this. It still feels unfamiliar even as I get more comfortable doing it.
And in this case in particular, I don't always know what to make of the conversations we have. Last night he started with a question about whether I found a Valentine at the camp I went to for my church retreat last month. And later, he said he had heard I came to that restaurant for a divorce party and he asked if that party was for me. Otherwise, we talk about my travels and about his kid, and last night he even shared a bit about his day job. I enjoy the conversation and the attention. It feels good to be remembered.
Then today I drove to Atlanta and back. It was quite the wild drive with one obstacle after another to overcome - navigating new routes to avoid backed up traffic from multiple accidents, getting stuck in gridlock in Midtown which gave me a chance to study the neighborhood, lanes that disappeared without warning, being the last of a line of cars to make it around a slow-moving oversized vehicle in the remaining lane that ended just as I merged back, laughing after successfully navigating ambiguous construction lane guidance that left many cars on the wrong side of the barrels, and not accounting for the wind at my charging stop which had me roll into my apartment parking garage with only 6% left of my battery.
But despite all those obstacles on the drive, what sticks with me is both how well I navigated them and how much of an amazing day the rest of the day was. The tulips were blooming at the gardens and they were covered in water drops with an overcast sky accentuating their bright colors. I found a great local Mexican restaurant in the neighborhood where I hope to someday live. I walked more of Piedmont Park, including a portion of the Beltline everyone talks about and a wetlands trail I never would have guessed was there. And I walked some of the streets of Midtown to just soak in the vibe.
It's weird walking Midtown and imaging what it would be like to live there. There is something about the vibe that feels like me. As I walk down the sidewalk among the people living and visiting there, I already feel like I belong. I don't know that I can even really explain why.
There is also grief in dreaming of the next phase of life alone. I always imagined I would grow old with someone, that I would experience life with someone, that they would see me through all the adult phases of my life and I would see them through theirs. And yet, here I am starting over by myself.
And there is fear. What if I'm not as successful at building a community there? What if the job isn't any better? What if I don't measure up to the expectations of the role? What if I miscalculated the vibe and that feeling of belonging is just a fantasy? Do I even know myself well enough to know this is what I want? I've gotten so good at pushing through the fear and had good results every time and I'm sure I'll do the same in this case. But that doesn't mean the fear doesn't still exist, that the doubts don't still linger.
And there is still so much processing happening in my head. I had a dream last night that felt so real. Although I don't know that the exact scenario ever happened, the feelings and experiences related to it definitely did. And in my dream I was both in the middle of it as past me and observing it from afar with the clarity of today. The me of the past couldn't tap into the knowledge of the current me which created this time barrier between the conflicting feelings. I woke up with such an odd sensation.
After such an early start this morning and more than five hours in the car plus over 11,000 steps, I'm hoping tonight I fall asleep before my head hits the people and sleep peacefully through the night. And then tomorrow should be a quieter day with just church and then hopefully some time to read. I've got two eBooks and an audiobook checked out from the library that I'd like to enjoy before they are due.
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