A transition is in the air at work - old leadership gone, temporary leadership trying fill big shoes, new leadership still months off. Approvals have finally come in to start rehiring again, yet the process is long. My days mostly fill with menial work as the cases I am most passionate about get put to the side. For more meaningful and certain days, I wait.
Atlanta still hasn't posted the job I was told I was told had been approved so each day, I refresh the job postings in anticipation. My resume is polished. My latest performance appraisal has been uploaded. A cover letter is mostly done. For a new opportunity, I wait.
I check eBird checklists for recent sightings at Piedmont Park. A flock of sandhill cranes was spotted there about a week ago! I dream of the paths I will walk. The apartment complex that sits on the edge of the park shows a normal turnover. I imagine how I would make space in the various floorpans and double check my budget. In my mind, I re-walk the streets of that neighborhood that I explored months ago. For a new city, I wait.
His lights are on again tonight so he appears to still be here. With the engagement, I had heard he would soon be moving in with her. I expected to see evidence he was packing up and moving out. For him to move out of my apartment complex, I wait.
I wonder if there is a small part of me that is expecting this new relationship of his to fail and if I wait to see what fallout that might bring. A desire to see karma in action? A fear he could come back if he doesn't find someone new to stay with?
With my next big trip in December, I spent some time booking excursions and dining this week. One hike I have planned for St. Lucia will require me to get in a bit better shape in anticipation. With the planning mostly done, I now wait.
The headlines in the news bring so much uncertainty, to my job, to my country, to my rights and the rights of my fellow citizens, to my investments, etc. For better days, I wait.
Thoughts of him still occupy too much of my mind and he even occasionally shows up in my dreams. There is still an attachment there that persists. For indifference with regard to him and healing for me, I wait.
We are in the darkness of lent right now. We await Jesus's arrival on Palm Sunday, his ultimate death, and then his resurrection. For the sun/Son to rise on Easter Morning, I wait.
I am in a time of in-between, where hope and anticipation lead me through the darkness. Some days the light is really dim and the darkness seems never ending. I've learned to sit in the darkness but I'm tired of the darkness. I've learned patience but it is wearing thin. I've practiced being present but regret pulls me back into the past and an uncertain hope leaves me wondering about the future. I've grounded myself but the hormones of this time in my cycle highlight the restlessness.
I'm tired of waiting.
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