I've come so far, grown so much, and my evolution has been fascinating to watch. Even this week there was another shift. So as I got ready this morning, I've been walking myself through the various stages of my evolution over the last year.
The first stage was survival. It was filled with lists to help me keep moving forward. There were so many practical aspects that needed to be dealt with in a time when my emotions felt overwhelming. Yoga and nature helped me soothe my nervous system as I faced it all. And I started talking to be people, colleagues at work, people at church - this was the beginning of building community.
My next stage was my "yes" stage. I think the turning point that pushed me into this stage was the moment I stepped out of the train station in New York City. I stopped and said "oh shit what have I gotten myself into!" Talk about overwhelming the senses! And to be doing this for the first time all alone. And then when I walked to my hotel, I couldn't avoid the grates that had always scared me so I boldly stepped over that first one. From there I realized that the best way to find me again was to step outside of my comfort zone and get out there and try things.
From that point on, I made a point to say "yes" to any social event or activity that came up that I thought could even remotely be interesting. Improv, life group, divorce support group, gatherings with friends, church women's retreat, joint choir singing opportunities, road trips, etc. I don't even remember what all I filled my calendar with. And although it wasn't sustainable long-term, I had a blast. I learned so much about me and what I am capable of. I met people. I gained confidence in being out in the world as a single person.
I think I needed to get back on my feet in practical ways and start to gain more confidence in me before I was ready to process what had happened in the relationship and divorce. That's not to say there wasn't some processing going on in the first two stages. And there definitely was a lot of grief I was sitting through. But I didn't really seriously start to process and dig into the work of healing until this third stage which I will call the mental processing stage. That weekend in Gulf Shores in January where I disconnected is where I think I dipped my toes into this stage.
In the mental processing stage, I took a step back from the re-written history/narrative of our relationship he had tried to convince me was true, dug into some old journals, and spent time time with my own memories. Sometimes it brought up even more doubts as some of the things he had said last summer finally reached my brain. But the shifting through all that helped me separate his gaslighting from my own reality.
Although, it didn't happen right away, the rose colored glasses eventually came off during this stage. I still can't believe how much grace I gave to that man, probably still do to a certain extent.
I don't know what this next stage will be but I feel like there was a turning point this week. All the mental processing I was doing in my head over the last half a year became real when I physically saw it manifested in his next relationship. I feel like I was granted a gift to go back and observe as a third party a glimpse of my relationship. And it validated every conclusion I had come to in the mental processing stage. It made me so glad to not be the one in that relationship anymore.
I still have more work to do and this new chapter is just beginning. There is so much more of the journey left. But I am in awe of the beautiful woman I am becoming and intrigued with the interesting life I am building. And as I watch with admiration my parents' continuing evolution even as they reach their 70s, I look forward to more years of my own evolution.
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