Thankful

I spent some time at Artwalk last night, a weekend event where they close down the street, set up hundreds of booths for artists to sell their work, have poetry readings and songwriter showcases, and restaurants spill out onto sidewalks while food trucks pull up.  I bought a bag from an artist with the quote that really resonated with me especially with all I've done the last year, "When writing the story of your life, don't let anyone else hold the pen."

And then I ran into someone from choir.  I showed her my new bag and she told me that she has been lurking on my Facebook and is really glad I'm finding my way.

Along the same lines, I have a colleague at work who has told me she is fascinated watching my evolution and how I have come out of my shell.  She said she didn't know how interesting I was until this last year.  This week I admitted to her that I'm pretty fascinated by my own evolution too.

With these thoughts in my head, I walked home yesterday evening with my new bag and I thought to myself, the only thing left I would say to my ex-husband (if given the chance) is "Thank you for the lessons I learned from our relationship.  I just wish you hadn't been so cruel when the lessons were over."

If we had stayed together, he would still at times be holding the pen as my story was written, maybe not through the specific decisions I made (I didn't fully give up my autonomy) but through the way he defined me and limited the space for me.

I sometimes wonder if I would have so boldly stepped out into this journey of (re)discovering myself in my 20s if I had stayed single for some time instead of marrying so young or even in my 30s if we had separated when he had developed feelings for and was investing in his boss more than he was investing in me.  In either case, I likely would have stayed close to home, maybe even temporarily moved in with my parents, and thus leaned on family a lot more.  In my 40s now, being so far away and having had life experiences that built so much independence, I was both forced to and better equipped to dive into building something better completely on my own.

The thought has also crossed my mind that if he had ended the relationship with integrity, empathy, and clear communication, would I really have learned these same lessons?  Would it have been enough of a push to evolve in the direction I'm currently headed?  Maybe the cruelty (as painful and difficult as it was) was part of the lesson I needed to learn.

So now that I feel the weight of the pen back in my hands, I am truly grateful and hopeful to watch this new life I'm building unfold.  I know more about who I am than I did even a year ago.  I have more direction.  My life has more meaning and purpose.  And I am lighter, freer, and more joyful than ever before.