All his attention was on the cat

I stepped out of the stairwell under the overhead walkway between my building and the parking garage.  As I unfolded my scooter, out of the corner of my eye I saw a couple on the steps leading to the garage.  His back was turned to me as he bent over and pet one of the stray cats that have made their home here.  She stood awkwardly, holding a bag with a silver hard-sided suitcase next to her.  Her eyes met mine.  He continued to focus all his attention on the cat.

She seemed impatient maybe even drained.  There wasn’t a light (a spark, a joy) in the way she held herself.  And it seemed very odd that if he was seeing her off after spending the night (or several nights) together that his attention would be so focused on the stray cats that he sees every day as they spend significant time on his patio.  

This post is about my ex-husband and the woman he has been seeing since probably late June.

I saw myself in her and in what I had escaped.  And I realized that the transformation in me (the loss of my light) likely was slow and happening even before I started acknowledging the shift in my journal entries.  

I am reminded that the first time he picked me up in his car (one of our earlier dates), he explicitly told me how important his car was.  I laughed it off at the time.  It makes me wonder though how many other little things followed that explicit statement that kept me at a distance and the ways I (perhaps subconsciously) tried to push back against that to convince him I was worth a higher priority.  

I wonder if my energy wasn’t just lost to having to constantly help him manage his own emotions but also to fighting for my own space and worth.

As I scootered away this morning, I couldn’t help but laugh.  Relief rushed over me at no longer being in a relationship with someone unwilling to prioritize me.  I no longer had to wait while he focused his attention on the things that mattered more than me.  And  I saw the humor in how oblivious I was to something that likely was quite obvious.  

This chance to observe their encounter allowed me a rare glimpse as an outsider looking in.