Before the separation, I'm not sure I ever truly saw myself. I didn't spend much time in front of the mirror. I think there were many days I didn't even look in the mirror before going out - running a comb through my hair as I focused on something else seemed like enough. Once or twice, I caught myself with my shirt on backwards or inside out and got a good laugh but other than that I didn't pay much attention.
I don't know that I had a negative image of myself, maybe more of a neutral image, but in hindsight I wonder if a comment my ex-husband made to me years ago stuck with me more than I thought it did. I guess the fact that I still remember it probably answers that question (this isn't one of those things I had forgotten but recently read in a journal entry, it's something that stuck in my memory without having to record it). He told me he didn't find me attractive anymore.
That all changed on August 8, 2024. (I know the exact date because I actually wrote about it here.) That was the first day I took the time to pause and really look at myself. Even before I went back to find the blog entry and the exact day, the moment and the way I felt in that moment is still very vivid in my mind.
Then last September, I joined a divorce group where each week we were encouraged to write a mirror message to ourselves (a post-it note that we put on the mirror that week) which brought me back to that mirror more and more. Each time I looked at the reflection looking back at me I saw more of myself.
And then I stopped shaving my legs. It took some time to once again get used to how it looked and felt. I leaned into that experience, paying attention to every feeling, thought, and sensation. It connected me to my body in a way I didn't expect.
Through it all, I was also tracking my weight loss, concerned about how fast I was losing weight which made me more in tune with my eating, sleeping, and exercise habits to try and find a better balance. I was also noticing the changes to my chronic pain, my menstrual cycle, and even the beginning of some night sweats during the most stressful times.
As I finally found space to truly feel all of life's emotions, I started to notice the ways my body warned me of things I didn't yet fully understand on a conscious level. I still have so many moments like that. Someone will say something or a thought will cross my mind and a flush of sensations will unexpectedly rush through my body making me completely pause.
And there was the joy I finally felt free to experience in the way dresses swirled around me, in how bright colors lifted my mood, and even the feel of heavy rain soaked fabrics as I danced in the rain.
I don't know that I had a real negative body image before, at least not on a conscious level. But I definitely didn't see the beautiful woman I see now. I didn't take the time to admire and experience the awe of the complexity and wonder of my body. I don't recall ever dancing in front of the mirror in my underwear as I got ready in the morning.
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