Exhausting day

I cried in my supervisor's office today.  I don't know if it was the exact moment that caused the overwhelming emotions or if it was a culmination of being shit on over and over again with such lack of transparency and so much incompetence.  Sometimes I feel like the way my work has treated me over the past 2-3 years parallels the way my ex-husband treated me last year.  And to have it all simultaneously happening occasionally gets the best of me, with today being no exception.

I honestly don't know why he walked into my office claiming he had "good news".  Did he really not understand the implications of the news he was sharing with me?  The good news was that I wouldn't have to work the shutdown aside from taking my turn in the rotation to support our limited essential cases.  

I'm permanently funded.  Did he seriously not contemplate that if he told me I would furloughed that I wouldn't then start panicking about what happened to my funding source?  He didn't even understand my pushback.  He didn't understand why I was questioning the status of my funding.

After I had thought it through, sat through another meeting about how it was affecting the whole office, received more e-mails about, I walked into his office and asked him about my funding source.  Together we called higher ups who gave more bad info even as I tried to explain.  They didn't get it.  My funding source hadn't lapsed which made me an exempt employee, meaning exempt from furloughs.

I admitted my lack of trust and how I felt there had been a lack of transparency in the office which affected that level of trust.  But in the end, he offered having me come into work every day and not furloughing me, asking if that would make me feel better.  I admit that I laughed inside as I realized I was turning down free time off.  I thanked him and left his office.

He showed up in my office a bit later to tell me about the call he had with someone from another office with the same funding as I have.  He admitted that in that other office, everyone with this funding source would continue working and not be subject to furloughs. 

I'm tired.  Why did I have to go through the panic, the questioning and explaining, the negotiations all for the end result that should have been offered to me in the first place?  And now as I type this, I listen to the speeches that are following the failed Senate votes.  Tomorrow I'll go in and after my colleagues tie up their loose ends, the office will empty out and I will face the quiet mostly alone.

But one silver lining in even this day is that I didn't have to go home and try and explain to my ex-husband why I didn't just accept the free days off.  He wouldn't have understood the implications of it all.