I told my therapist that I need to cut this last string, that I still feel his presence living in the same building. She suggested a good blog post would be on how to ghost bust. But as I reflect deeper, it's more than his ghost. If he had moved out of this apartment complex and I had stayed, it would have been just his ghost haunting me as it does in many places throughout this city that we made our home seven years ago. There's even one bench at the Atlanta Botanical Gardens where his ghost lives so it's not even limited to just this city - it's all the places we made regular memories at.
The problem is that he didn't move out of this building so it's not just his ghost that remains but also his actual presence, his car parked in the VIP space that used to be ours, the patio chairs we picked out together, the recliner I can see through the window that had been with us longer than I can remember, etc.
And he picked an apartment off the main courtyard that I walk through multiple times a day, so I know when he has been out multiple nights in a row and when he has been home every night for the past week. So I can make assumptions that he seems to get to telework every other week and that he has an every other week girlfriend (probably opposite the weeks she has placement of her two teenage daughters).
That leads to feelings and thoughts I wish I could expel. Although I'm not envious of her. I now know the honeymoon period doesn't last. But I'm a bit envious of him having a built in person to go out with on a regular basis. Everything about my social network takes so much work. I don't have a default person to call on a regular schedule. Almost all my friends have partners of their own that are rightfully their first priority.
And as a woman in our current climate where reproductive rights are under attack, our leadership is dismissing domestic violence as not crime, and young men are being radicalized by podcasters, it doesn't even feel safe to enter the dating world if I was even ready to find a default person to call on a regular schedule. Maybe I am envious of her in that regard because he was a safe person for that purpose even if he wasn't able to step up in a real relationship.
My rational brain knows that my long-term future is so much brighter and that his avoidance has likely continued such that it will have lasting negative consequences for him in the long-term but it just doesn't feel fair in the short-term. I know my Mom recently reminded me that life isn't fair but it doesn't lessen the pain and reminders.
And then I wonder how much of all of this would just disappear from my thoughts if I didn't know these things about him. If I could just focus on me without worrying about whether he was suffering any consequences or learning anything from his horrible behavior, maybe I could get past this next hurdle.
It's like I'm stuck in this cycle. And to be honest, I've been stuck in it for over two decades. With every car purchases, I watched him temporarily fill with joy when the dopamine hit of the new car while I sacrificed - the hours in pain on the dealership floor, the trips to the Department of Revenue, the loneliness of the hours he spent in the garage. I just have to remind myself that with this last and final cycle, I finally get me back and nothing could be more important for my long-term future.
So now I just wait to hear on the Atlanta job. That would be one great way to cut that last string and it would be such a great step towards building what I want for my life long-term. And if that doesn't pan out, it's time to start working on Plan B.
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