To feel alive

About two years ago this past week, my ex-husband asked for a divorce.  He told me late on a Monday night and then left that Tuesday morning to spend two weeks with his mom which gave me two weeks to get myself together and make a plan.

On Friday of that week, I posted on Facebook the following:

I went for a walk to clear my mind and move my body. It look like it would rain but I was not deterred. I made it to the pavilion where the Friday night exercise class was ongoing when the skies opened up. The wind was in my face as I turned towards home, rain drops pelting my face and body.  At times the downpour was so heavy it obscured my view ahead. I turned my face towards the clouds and opened my arms and just received the nourishing rain.  I felt alive, maybe for the first time in a while.

That last sentence of that Facebook post tugs at my heart and puts me right back in that moment.  His decision to divorce freed me in a way I didn't understand in that moment.  It finally allowed me to release all the emotions that had been buried so deep.  It allowed me to finally put down his and pick up my own.  This rainstorm with its pelting rain and the way I leaned into it was a physical representation of it all.

I remember how that feeling of being alive was so intoxicating that I suspect it was part of the driving force behind some of the most incredible growth I've seen in myself since that moment.  I didn't want to just survive the divorce.  I wanted to feel alive again.

And that is a goal I can confidently say I have accomplished over and over again and hope I never lose sight of again.