They celebrated the one year anniversary of their first date. Less relevant to this post, that clarified the timing of their relationship for me. She posted on the Facebook group before she met him in person for the first time, which is common when people meet someone online. They had their first date on the 4th of July. (Oh, that brings back memories of our first 4th of July together - one of our very earliest dates, but I won't go down that tangent.). And before that week ended, she was already sleeping over at his apartment.
Maybe I'm judgmental, but in today's dating world and the risks to women, I can't imagine ever going to a man's apartment in the first week of meeting him. And if I had teenage daughters at home depending on me to come home, I would be even more cautious. So to me this just screams desperation and a lack of judgment.
But that's not really what I want to talk about. In the caption of his reel on IG, he shared some updates from the past year. He shared that he suffered from shingles last year. And then he shared that on their anniversary, he got a stomach bug that left him so dehydrated that he passed out and the paramedics had to be called. That sounds like serious shit for someone only in their 40s.
When I got divorced, my health problems went away. My chronic pain disappeared. My digestion issues disappeared. My body stopped holding onto weight. And eventually after healing and moving on, my sleep has gotten better than it ever was before. Every aspect of my life, including my health, improved exponentially.
When he got divorced, he visibly aged, got shingles, passed out from dehydration requiring medical intervention, and maybe more.
And when I looked at this post that was about their anniversary, he had a pained look on his face. It was a familiar look that I didn't notice when we were married but I now see in so many of the photos that come up as memories. He doesn't look happier. He looks just as miserable as he always was. And now that I've been gone for almost two years, he can't even blame me for his misery, although maybe he is still trying to.
How do I feel? I think that is the most important question tonight. Part of me thinks I should feel vindicated. After all the pain he put me through, all the harm he caused, I feel like I should feel vindicated. But I don't. I don't need to be right. I still wish we could have parted amicably and honestly.
The empathetic side of me thinks I should feel sad. I've heard shingles is so incredibly painful. And with multiple health episodes like this it probably indicates his new girlfriend is in for some caregiving in the future, caregiving that will be unlikely to ever be reciprocated. But I don't even feel sad for them. They are both adults who have freely made the decisions that have lead them to where they are now.
What I do really feel? I view this just as information to process. It's a mostly neutral feeling. There's a curiosity about it all and why it happens and whether my ex realized chasing happiness doesn't diminish internal misery.
And can I admit that there is just a little bit of relief. I wonder if resentment would have built up quickly had I needed to step into a caregiver role this quickly after so many decades lacking reciprocity. Maybe that means it is better someone without a history steps into that role.
And now that I'm done processing, I am going to play Tik Tok by Kesha over my bluetooth speaker. The song plays in my head every day as soon as I step off the train to walk the last five blocks to my home. I find myself dancing home. I don't know what it is about this song but I'm starting to think subconsciously something is telling me I should make it my theme song of this new chapter.
No comments:
Post a Comment