A dream and a fear

I had a dream last night.  I was talking with a friend and my ex-husband's girlfriend was present.  She didn't speak but she appeared to be listening.  I talked to my friend about how he put on such an act to get me attached in that first year or two.  It was a very brief dream, just a tiny snippet of a conversation.

It's interesting that as my healing progressed, I had less and less conversations in my head with my ex-husband about the things I wanted to tell him and switched to conversations with her and all I would say to warn her.  I'm not sure any of those conversations truly had anything to do with either of them.  I think they were more a way for me to process.

So what was last night's dream really about?

I have spent my life trying to be an authentic, honest person.  I won't say I've always gotten it right but I would truly horrified if I learned that my actions deceived or manipulated another.  With that perspective, I spent the first four decades of my life naively and innocently believing other people were like me, especially the people I had chosen to surround myself with.

Now that I have come to realize the man I married, loved, and trusted the most was neither honest nor authentic, that innocence is gone.  In its place is a fear of being deceived again.  And I so wish there was some way to get a warning so that I could avoid that kind of heartbreak again.

I'm not letting that fear get in the way of going out into this world and building something beautiful.  But it still lingers in the back of my mind and I wonder how it will play out should I ever meet someone I want to get romantically involved with.