Often as I walk the streets of my neighborhood or ride the train in to work, I marvel at the fact that I truly do live here now. And I marvel at the woman I didn't realize I could be, the woman that was buried so deep all along and just needed to be let free.
I've moved a number of times in my life and as an adult have now lived in four different states but I don't ever remember a move being accompanied by this many emotions before. I think that is because this move represents so much more. It is not just a new job or a new change of scenery.
It was an intentional decision that prioritized me for the first time in my life.
It was a desperately needed reminder of what I am capable of. I don't know how many times I've said to my mom over the last couple of years, "I didn't believe I could do it." Every time she tells me how much she always knew I could. There is a grief in realizing how much damage was done to my confidence during my marriage but a celebration in watching me build it back up.
It is a big step in finally finding alignment in my life. I laugh when I think about the first small thing I did to better align myself. As we were separating and ordering the things we would need to set up two separate households, I added to the cart reusable zip lock bags. I had been thinking about them for quite some time but my ex-husband dismissed them every time.
That was just the first of so many big and small changes I made in my routines, habits, interactions, etc. that moved me towards a life that feels so much more authentic to me and less like I am living someone else's life. This move is (so far) the biggest step I have made towards alignment and it feels so right to be here.
This move was the result of a specific dream which is very different than every other major decision I made with my now ex-husband. I'm not sure we ever truly knew what we wanted. We just knew what we were escaping from, what we didn't want. This time I had a specific job in mind and specific needs I wanted out of my new city. I knew exactly the type of lifestyle I wanted to live and what a city would have to offer in order for me to build that lifestyle.
And I knew exactly the type of workplace I needed to grow and meaningfully contribute to. Although, I considered a few other options, I only applied to one position. If this hadn't worked out, I would have pivoted but it would have been another intentional reflection on what would meet my needs and desires for my future. It wasn't anything like our move south eight years ago when I applied to jobs in more cities and states than I can count (most of which were places I had never been), like I was throwing darts on a dart board to see which one would land.
So it makes a lot of sense that this physical driver's license I received in the mail today would bring tears to my eyes as I reflected how I got here and what this all means to me.
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