Two late-night meaningful texts

I woke up to late night texts from two different friends and had tears in my eyes before my day even started.  I couldn't help but notice they were both sent at exactly the same time.  Two people were thinking of me on a late Friday night in the middle of what I know to be an incredibly busy time in their lives right now.

One of them is from a friend at work who probably has had the most up close seat of my journey this last year and a half.  She sent me a really uplifting and humorous Instagram Reel of a woman forcing me to take back my crown with a message to go out there and be great and to not let anyone knock my crown off my head again.  In a world where so many people feel the need to compete and put others down, I'm intentionally trying to find people like this friend whose only goal is to uplift and support.

The other text was from the woman I had an impromptu, although brief dinner with last night.  I initially got to know her as a colleague but she has since moved on to another position so I don't get to see her all that often.  She also has a lot of responsibilities at home that take up much of her time.  But she is probably the one I have connected to the most since the divorce.  Her text was an expression of gratitude for our time together last night on a tough day for her.  (She was in my neighborhood visiting her Dad in the hospital.)  She probably doesn't fully understand how much I needed that impromptu dinner too.

I've been feeling a bit disappointed in both my friend groups and the repeated "no"s I've been getting along with cancellations.  Maybe I struggle more with this after realizing how low of a priority I was to my ex-husband and even how growing up, my sister's needs (which were greater) took precedence and friendships repeatedly disappeared overnight.  

And so as I was building this community that seemed so great, it hit hard these last few months, when I was reminded that I still am not that high of a priority to anyone.  I think it triggered a fear of being abandoned again as it seems like no one ever sticks around.  I think I even had convinced myself that I wouldn't miss them if/when I move to Atlanta with the excuse that I see them so rarely anyway.  My fancy meal out Thursday night after everyone cancelled on me was probably at least partly a coping skill to deal with the disappointment.

But there is nuance to this.  As expected, I don't have the same level of connection and depth to everyone in my community.  And it just so happens that the one I'm the closest to and who probably has the most interest in making time for me has the most overwhelming other responsibilities in her life.  So more casual friendships that very reasonably don't prioritize me combined with deeper friendships with people who are a bit overwhelmed in life at the moment created this unsettling lull.  And the damage done to my trust from the divorce made me a little too quick to write it all off.