A Saturday in my pajamas

This is the third post I've tried to write today.  It's six o'clock and I'm still in my pajamas and although I have made some progress, my goal today of deep cleaning my apartment is still not complete.  I'm distracted and lack motivation.

I actually did get some good sleep last night but I still woke up groggy and tired.

This past week's chaos is still sitting with me - the disappointing attempt at ART, the emotional drain of packing up my office, the painters completely disrupting work all week, the administration's politicization of "fraud", poor behavior of colleagues, and the tension of moving one step forward towards a potential huge change and new chapter for me (and thus officially turning the page on the old chapter).  

It really feels like a lot.  And whenever I try to talk about it with someone, they try to steer me towards thinking about the positive that is to come.  I clearly see the positive.  I am so excited for the positive.  I am building a life that feels right and is pretty darn cool.  But that doesn't diminish the grief, sadness, and struggle I feel.  I know the only way is through it all but that knowing all that doesn't make it easy.  It doesn't lift the weight that I feel.  Focusing on the positive won't suddenly make it easy to let go.

Instagram recommended his fiancee's profile to me again today.  I thought I had clicked the "x" to remove it as a suggestion.  I wish Facebook and Instagram would stop recommending her profile to me.  

And although, I didn't click on her profile, I couldn't help but notice her profile photo is now the two of them dressed up in full costume as gnomes.  I could only shake my head at that sight.  I can't even imagine him ever being willing to dress up in costumes and pose for a photo when we were together.  Just like I couldn't ever imagine him being willing to go see Kamala Harris or swim with pigs or wanting to spend significant time around teenage girls.  

I shouldn't be surprised.  I remember the way he pretended to like the things I liked and believe the things I believed early in our relationship.  He's repeating the same cycle with her.  It's all a game for him.  He did what he needed to do to build a false sense of intimacy to get me attached.  Then he drained everything out of me in a one-sided relationship until I started to set some boundaries and he couldn't control me as easily which just fed into the resentment that had been silently building in him for who knows how many years.  She's in part one of that cycle.  She probably thinks she met her soulmate because of how good he can be at mirroring and telling people what they want to hear.

Logically, my rational mind tries to remind myself that I'm not part of that cycle anymore - that despite how cruelly he ended it, the end result was freeing me from that toxic cycle.  He's not my problem anymore.  But I'm still so angry at him.  And I'm a bit irritated at myself at all the things I ignored.  I knew he would never prioritize me before we even said "I do."

I have always believed that it isn't productive to look back at something as a waste because we always gain something from even the worst experiences but I'm really struggling on this one.  He stole two decades of my energy - energy that I wish I had spent on myself and on building a larger community, energy that I wish I had invested in reciprocal relationships.

So it's just been one of those Saturdays.  I've been streaming classical piano music since almost breakfast which has helped fill some of the silence as my mind wanders.  But I'm really hoping for tomorrow to bring the start of a better a week.  At least tomorrow I'll have some distractions with church and then the play I'm performing in.  And Monday, I should be able to move back into my office.