Social media - the good, the bad, the ugly.
On Ash Wednesday, I deleted Facebook, Instagram, and Threads from my phone and closed those tabs on my laptop. I told myself I would take a break from social media this Lent.
It was an impulse in reaction to the mindless way I found myself navigating to my ex-husband's Instagram page on a day when I knew he was on a cruise with his new fiancee. And not just any cruise, the deposit from that cruise came from one of the trips we had booked together during a time period he was lying about how much he loved me and how great things were going between us. In that moment on Ash Wednesday, I realized there was nothing healthy about reminding myself of that wound.
It's Easter today. Lent is over. I've peaked at my accounts on my iPad but haven't redownloaded the apps on my phone or reopened the windows on the laptop I use so much. And I haven't posted anything yet. I hesitate because social media has such a complicated effect.
I was among the last of people I knew to join any platforms. Even my parents had Facebook accounts before I had anything. I still remember the day I joined Instagram. I was at the Milwaukee Art Museum at an after-hours silent disco event in the middle of the dance floor with my headphones on. My ex-husband was actually out there dancing with me which upon reflection is a bit strange - he hated to dance and I can only count on one hand the number of times he danced with me. This would be one of those times.
But back to the story, they had a giant screen up on the wall that was displaying what looked like people's photos live from the event. I wanted to join in with my own photo so as I danced, I created an Instagram account, took a photo, typed the right hashtag so the Art Museum would find my photo, and a few minutes later saw my own photo up on the screen.
Slowly my Instagram account then morphed into a curated account of my photography as that hobby grew and my photography skills really improved. Then at some point, when we started traveling more, I created a second account to celebrate my love of traveling. These accounts have been an overwhelming positive space for me. They are communities of people around the world with shared interests.
I almost wish my ex-husband had never joined Instagram. I don't know why he did. He was anti-social media for much of our marriage and given his career did his best to minimize his online presence. Maybe it was during the pandemic he joined? I don't remember exactly. But this was the only platform he ever joined, at least that I'm aware of. It is only the temptation of navigating to his account that makes me hesitate to jump back into Instagram. Otherwise, I miss those communities.
I joined Facebook during the pandemic because my church was doing so much on Facebook to keep everyone connected when we couldn't meet in person. I've kept my friends list limited to just those who I have met in person. It's given me a chance to keep more up to date on cousins and extended family I never get to see. It's been a way to foster friendships with people at church.
And since the separation, it has been an outlet for me to write and share a little bit of my experience - a carefully curated version of this blog that my friends interact with. There is a depth to what I write but it exists on a superficial platform. It is a way to share an authentic piece of me but still carefully selected piece of that authenticity. It's not a replacement for the deeper conversations that I long for but it is a way to feel seen and heard after decades of feeling invisible. It has helped me feel just a little less alone in my journey.
But I hate the Facebook algorithm. Mixed in with the posts I want to read from my friends are unsolicited posts and videos that so often are targeted at what I am struggling with most at that time.
And I was really getting sick of the astrology posts which were so quick to remind me that a Capricorn and a Sagittarius could never make it as a couple, although the reasons given were so far off from the reality of my ex-husband and I. Maybe those posts were a bit triggering because later in our marriage, my ex-husband suddenly started taking an interest in astrology and even went to get a reading several times, including that last spring. I've often wondered what role that played in the end. It seemed like one more thing to feed into some distorted version of what life should be vs what in reality it is.
So the really positive aspects of Facebook get lost in an algorithm meant to pull me down and feed into my negative emotions. Isn't it sad how anger, bitterness, and even war are money makers? Peace doesn't sell because it is boring. How do I hang onto those positive interactions and writing outlet in Facebook without letting the negativity of the algorithm pull me down?
That leaves Threads - I turned to Threads as a way to get a pulse on what people think. I had lost my subscription to the Washington Post and really missed the interactions I would have in the comments sections. It also became a place where I could connect with other women with similar experiences for support and encouragement and to feel a little less alone.
One positive thing about Threads is that it is the easiest algorithm to manipulate. So as long as I stay self-aware of how the content is affecting me, I can shift what I see when it turns too negative by just interacting more with the content that makes me feel more positive. On the flip side, that also means, I don't get as accurate of a representation of reality because I'm in control of the pieces of the world I see. It can quickly feel like everyone believes "X" on Threads when in reality, I'm only being shown posts with "X" viewpoint.
All this discussion of social media and its effect on me reminds me of something I read recently about the uniqueness of my micro-generation, Xennials. I was in my teens when we entered the digital world. I was old enough to remember and have learned to navigate the world before it and my brain was still maturing making it easy to learn the digital world without the anxiety that so often comes with learning something new as an adult. This leaves me feeling fully confident in either world but it doesn't make me immune from the harmful effects of algorithms.
I don't know how I'm going to navigate some sort of re-entry into social media, maybe just one step at a time. I know I have a ton of tulip photos from my trip to the Atlanta Botanical Garden a few weeks back that I would love to share on Instagram. Maybe I'll start there as that is probably my positive space.
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