Today's Social Media Memory

I suppose one advantage to taking a break from social media during Lent was that I was not reminded of the past with memories.  That's good and bad though.  I really enjoy so many of the memories.  He's not even in many of my memory posts.  And even the ones that do include a photo of him, he is rarely the focus and it's often a moment I enjoy reliving.

But today's made my breath catch and my stomach drop.  It was Easter of 2020, six years ago.  I enjoyed coffee on the balcony, watched my church's service virtually, and then my ex-husband and I made pupusas, a traditional filled tortilla common in El Salvador.  Most of the photos on that post are of the two of us making and then enjoying the pupusas.

In the photos, I look so young and happy.  The joy in my eyes and face radiates out.

He on the other hand, has barely a smile with a look of irritation behind it.  I don't know why but I still find myself a bit surprised when I come across a new photo where his look seems irritated or empty (the two most common expressions I see in photos) going back many years.  And it doesn't even seem to matter if the photo was taken while we were doing something he really wanted to do.  

I pulled a book off my shelf my Dad made from our 2013 family trip when we took an excursion in Belize that he talked about for years as the best excursion he ever took.  It was one where he had the chance to drive a left-land drive jeep off-road through deep puddles.  His expressions in those photos are empty.  There is just no real joy in his eyes and his smile is never more than a half-smile.  

I suspect life has just always been miserable to him.  And I think I knew that all along and hoped my joy would counter his misery.  But maybe my joy was just a daily reminder to him of how miserable he was.