I skipped choir last night and after the last of my friends declined the plans I had proposed for tonight to go the art museum, I decided to stay home instead. My body needs rest.
I've written before about how much easier it is to be sick now than it was when I was married. Without his negative energy, expectations, dependence on me for so much, and walking on eggshells to try and not inconvenience him, I didn't have much energy left to nurture myself back to good health and that definitely wasn't something he was willing to do for me. He might catch what I have!
I feel a little bitter at all the care I provided for him not only when he was sick but also when he was healthy. And he has now managed to fool another woman into doing all that for him. And yet, I sit here not even knowing what it would feel like to have someone nurture me when I am sick.
Why does it seem like charm and manipulation so often seem to go hand in hand with ease and success in this world where honesty and integrity stumble?
I suppose this is grief over the relationship I wanted to have in my marriage but didn't get, the energy I wasted on a man willing to take but not reciprocate.
Sometimes I wonder where I would be if I hadn't married him. Would I have taken time to grow into who I was before jumping into a relationship? Would I have found someone capable of building a healthy marriage with? Would I have had a less bumpy start to my teaching career? Would I have been better at maintaining a community of friends? What alternative endings would I find in The Midnight Library?
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