The Retreat

Friday night, we all sat in the chapel in the first session of the retreat.  We had each been given a small flimsy piece of paper and a pen as we walked in.  The theme for the retreat this year was Rest and Resist.  My pastor started the session by acknowledging we were going to start with some heavy stuff first before moving onto the rest part of rest part of the treat.  We took some time to talk in small groups about the burdens we are carrying both from all the heavy stuff going on in our larger world and any personal burdens each of us are carrying as well.

I sat with the couple who I had chatted with on the cabin porch after I arrived and a couple I knew of from church but had never really had a chance to talk to.  There was something just a little healing about naming the struggles we carry.  And although I focused more on those I see in our larger world and how they are impacting me at work, I did briefly talk about my grief journey and ex-husband.

And then we were asked to write our burdens on that small, flimsy piece of paper and towards the end of the evening, we all had a chance to place it in the baptismal font and watch it dissolve, as a way to metaphorically release our burdens.  In addition to the specific struggles I faced both in healing from the divorce and in facing the larger world, at the last minute, I wrote my ex-husband's name in larger letters over the remaining white space.  Sometimes just his name feels more specific and all-encompassing than trying to put to words my grief.

I won't pretend some magic happened in that moment as I watched it all dissolve but maybe it helped a little bit.

That night as I walked back to my cabin, I looked up and was awed by the stars so I stopped, laid down in the grass and dirt on the side of the road, tried to capture a photo with my phone, and then just took in the incredible view.

The next morning's session was about settling in and the tools we needed to do that.  Sometimes we have to recognize that things aren't going to get better soon.  Sometimes we are in for the long-haul.  Focusing too much on the end just makes us anxious and accomplishes little.  

Honestly, I could have lead this session.  Life over the last year and a half has really taught me to just settle in.  Life and the struggles that come with it can be our biggest teacher.  So often, I couldn't see an end in sight to the suffering I was experiencing.  Even today, my grief still sometimes overwhelms me.  And even today, there isn't an end in sight to the shit I'm experiencing at work.  Maybe because so much all hit me at once with so much uncertainty around it all, I couldn't focus too far on the future forcing me to stay in the present.  Or maybe I'm just wired to not miss the present.  Regardless, it has really served me well as it gave me the tools to cope, to grow, to build, and to hope.  

Here were the tools one my pastors shared with us all.  I couldn't have written a better list myself.  These are the tools that have gotten me through the hardest parts.

1. Finding quiet
2. Seeking out awe
3. Leaning into creativity
4. Practicing gratitude
5. Generosity
6. Community

Several times during the retreat, the term "defiant joy" was used.  There is so much power in joy.  I think we really underestimate its power.  Defiant joy is exactly what has helped me personally and what I think this world needs more of.

The last session on Sunday morning was about hope but not hope for a specific outcome as we often view hope.  So often we say "I hope that ...."  We were encouraged to divorce "hope" from "that" and embrace hope as mysterious and open-ended.

As the retreat came to a close, one more time we sang the song Centering Prayer which is about being where our feet are.  As we sang, people started moving together and putting their arms around each other.  There was no one right near me that I knew well and so I just focused on that song.  

Half-way through the song, I felt someone move near me and put her arm around my shoulders.  This was a woman who I had not spoken to at the retreat.  I didn't even know her name as it all happened.  We introduced ourselves after it was all over although we never had a chance to talk any further.  It appears she had stepped away from her husband/partner to make sure I didn't feel alone.  And although, I felt a little awkward, tears welled up in my eyes as it was all happening making me stumble on the lyrics of the song for a moment.

After the song, we ended the retreat with a time of communion.  We all stood in one large circle as the juice and bread passed from person to person, each serving our neighbor.  Once it had passed through our section, people started linking hands and the woman standing next to me offered me her hand.

This is what community is about - inclusivity, growth, consideration, care.  This is why I attended this retreat, to meet and better get to know amazing people like these individuals who remind me of the value of connection and encourage me to find my own ways to do and be more.