Everything had to perfectly fall into place for that trip to happen for me. First, the notice went out that they might be opening just days before the planned excursion. And the planned excursion had all kinds of caveats as even if it did successfully open that year, it was very unpredictable how long the conditions would stay favorable enough to stay open. In 2015, the caves would only open for 9 days.
Second, I wasn't fast enough in signing up so ended up on the wait list. I suppose the e-mail warning people they needed the proper gear (ice cleats, hiking poles with metal tips, warm enough clothing, etc.) to safely walk across ice deterred some so enough cancelled to open up spots for us.
And then the day came, I had gotten off the wait list and conditions were still favorable to make the caves still accessible, so I boarded a bus for the seven hour drive up to Lake Superior. When we arrived, my camera bag fell to the floor of the bus from the overhead shelves breaking the lens I had planned to use. Left with just my zoom lens, I adapted. I took more steps backwards to try and capture some of what I was experiencing. And I took in more with just my eyes. This was before I had a cell phone as an alternative camera.
One thing that stands out as I replay this memory in my head is the absence of my ex-husband. I know he was physically present with me. I bought two seats on that bus. But I don't remember a single interaction with him or a moment we connected on this long day trip.
I remember Victor who was in charge of the excursion. I remember running into a client when we bought the ice cleats the night before at an outdoors store. I remember the painter on the ice. I remember a movie played on the bus TVs as I edited photos on that long ride home. But I don't remember a single interaction with the man who took the trip with me. Even the moment I discovered my lens was broken and unusable is a solo moment in my memories. The sounds of the cracks on the ice I feel like I experienced alone.
It is so weird to think about how absent he truly was even when he was physically present. I think that was the case a lot because as memories of the last two decades come back to me, it's the event or the place or the people I met there that replay in my mind. Although he is physically present in most memories I have of those two decades together, rarely are any memories WITH him.
It's almost as if he helped me compartmentalize the joy from the struggles, the daily grind from the adventures, the good from the bad. Although, how much of that is his true absence vs me dissociating from his role in the positive things I wanted to hang onto?
As I ask that question, I’m reminded of our China Lights experience. His Dad was really sick (in and out of hospitals, nursing homes, etc.). It was the hardest year of our marriage and one of the worst years of my life. I had been pouring everything I had into supporting him, his Dad, and his Mom when he told me he didn’t find me attractive anymore and had feelings for his boss. We were in couple’s counseling at this point.
So we had tickets to China Lights which was this amazing display of lights at one of the local gardens. We argued about something just before we left. I don’t recall about what but I was determined not to let it destroy my enjoyment of the lights and so I put it aside for the hour or so we were there.
I enjoyed the event but I later learned that he stewed the entire time. More than once over the years, he brought up how I had ruined China Lights for him. If I didn’t have the overlay of his perspective on that memory, I wonder if I would feel his absence from that memory as well. Instead, it’s colored with a resentment I don’t truly understand.
I think this China Lights experience highlights my role in compartmentalizing and maybe even as a result keeping some distance between him and his negativity and the joy I needed to hang onto. By compartmentalizing, I didn’t allow him to ruin my joy.
I wonder how much distance that created between us or was it my response to the distance he had already created? Or maybe some of both?
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