A cruise

I moved my car today after it finished charging and I ended up on a higher level so I walked past his parking space.  His car is parked in his spot.  They board a cruise tomorrow so the fact that his car is parked there means he likely decided to fly.  We would have driven.

I helped pay for this cruise deposit.  We had booked a cruise for January 2025 with a non-refundable deposit.  When we separated, I couldn't conceive of myself being able to afford cruising anymore (a belief I quickly proved wrong) so I let him keep the deposit.  While our finances were still tied, he moved it to a February of 2026 cruise, using marital funds to add to the deposit he moved.  Maybe I should have pushed back or had more confidence in my own ability to travel so I wouldn't be here today watching my money be used for his cruise.  But I didn't have that foresight.  With his Mom's birthday in mid-February, I always imagined he would take her on this cruise.  Considering her role in our break-up, I'm not sure why I was okay with that.

At some point last fall, I saw an updated invoice in our joint e-mail account where he had added her to this cruise.  

It looks like he is finally going to get to Key West, with her.  That was on our wedding itinerary but a tropical storm interfered with that port.

It's the ship where we celebrated our 10th anniversary, although it has been fully renovated.

I'm not jealous of the cruise.  It's only a five night cruise out of South Florida.  But I have feelings.  It's partially my money.  It's the port where we were supposed to snorkel.  It's the ship where we met Captain Kate (he kept that photo of us with her).  So there is a tie to this particular cruise that I don't think there would be had he booked and paid for a random cruise on his own with her.  So it is sitting heavy with me.

And he chose to fly instead of drive.  I don't know what to make of that.  Maybe there is nothing to make of that.  I think I find myself wondering what about me he mirrored vs what about me was authentic to him.  So I ask the question, is he flying because he is mirroring what she wants right now or is he flying because he wished we had done more flying and less driving with me?

It really could be either.  Everything about this new relationship screams he is either mirroring her despite his own preferences or he lied to me about some pretty big things.  Neither outcome feels good because it is either watching him repeat the same toxic cycle again or it requires me to acknowledging how much he lied to me and made me doubt myself or maybe both.