Whiplash

I opened my Google Drive app on my phone this morning to type up the poem that started forming in my head during my commute.  My old and new accounts are still a bit intertwined so it was files from the old joint account that were listed in the recent documents on the main screen.  This one that I am going to copy and paste below had been last opened in August of 2024 (by me? by him? I don't know) but the title caught my attention so I opened it today.  It's what he wrote me for our 11th wedding anniversary in June of 2016.  It seems quite timely as the circumstances of my last LA job opportunity are fresh in my mind as I try and make a decision about this current opportunity.

For context, he was in the process of interviewing for his dream job (one I doubted would be good for him but there was no stopping him like many things with him, I tried to adjust to make the best of it).  Despite the fact that I wasn't getting the honest discussions about how this would affect our marriage that I had hoped for, a couple weeks prior to our anniversary I had concretely shown my support by applying to jobs in LA and other major cities where this career path would take us.  

My dear,

You are a tree frog to so many people. At work you do everything that’s asked of you and more. With me, I can’t imagine a more supportive person!

I have put you through a lot, between all the cars and a lot of career aspirations. Each time you made sure it was what was the best fit for me and that I truly would be happy. Then you supported me 100%. I couldn’t have asked for more and you could not have been any more supportive!

Overall, you have been through a lot, yet you always have such a positive attitude. I love how you smile at me and like to hold me and how excited you are to see me after work. Even if I don’t always show it, I notice all these things and absolutely love them; don’t stop!

I only hope I can be half as supportive as you have been for me. At work when times get tough remember your tree frog analogy. You are amazing at what you do, but you can’t take it all on. Just do the best you can, put in a hard day’s work and everything will be fine.

It’s hard to believe today marks our 11th Anniversary! On the other hand, it’s hard to remember my life before you.

I love you so much, my little tree frog!! :)

Love,

[ex-husband]

(I don't remember the tree frog analogy.)

Later that summer he learned that he was not selected for that dream job.  It was a hard rejection because that was his last opportunity to apply as the following year he would surpass the age limit.  For the eight years that followed, he silently let resentment build up towards me and as he discarded me he accused me of not supporting him in that career move.  It felt like he blamed me for him not getting the job.

First, I want to say that there is some relief in finding things like this.  There was so much gaslighting at the end that I had really come to doubt my own memories.  Writings like this (whether his writings or mine) demonstrate how much he was re-writing our story to fit his own narrative.  My memory wasn't bad.

Second, writings like this help me understand why I stayed.  This wasn't an isolated note he gave me.  I received countless cards, letters, post-it notes, poems, e-mails, etc. with similar loving language.  Yes, I should have been paying more attention to the fact that his actions didn't align with his words but it was writings like this that sustained my fantasy and fed my sense of loyalty.  How could a man who wrote me such lovely notes be bad?

Side note - I don't recall him saying beautiful things to me verbally.  I hadn't thought about that until this moment.  It makes me wonder if he wanted to make sure his efforts in the relationship were documented somehow so that he could be able to say "see, it wasn't my fault.  I tried."  (Maybe I've gotten too cynical.)

To add just a little more context to this, I suspect he started his one-sided emotional affair (I don't know what to call it) with his boss not too many weeks after he received the rejection from that dream job.  I so quickly went from supportive, positive wife to the reason for his misery and his need to find company elsewhere.  And then when we entered couple's counseling that next February, it was to fix me because he felt I was the problem in our marriage.

The end of our marriage felt like whiplash to me.  But when I review memories like this, I see now that whiplash was just the pattern and rhythm of our marriage.  The difference with the whiplash at the end was that hope disappeared that last time as the illusion began to finally crumble.