So this weekend, I put it into practice. I attended my church's retreat. I'll have more posts about the weekend because it had a huge impact but I'm going to start on this subject of extroversion. I decided up front that I wasn't going to let my default be to disappear on my own during free time like I had so often in the past. That's not to say I wasn't going to listen to myself and what I needed in the moment. I just wanted to override my default pattern of hiding. I compare it a bit to my decision to put my shoes on anytime I am getting restless at home or struggling internally - just the act of putting my shoes on gets me to break the pattern and get out. On this retreat, I was going to put myself in situations to break the pattern of isolation.
I arrived on Friday evening with about an hour and a half to spare before dinner. There was no one hanging out in the cabin I had been assigned so after dropping off my stuff in my room, I walked the road past some of the other cabins. I came across two women sitting in rocking chairs on their porch a couple of cabins down. I asked if I could join them and sat down in a rocking chair. After introductions, conversation flowed pretty easily. It felt comfortable.
Then at every meal and session, I intentionally sat at a different table. Each time, I tried to find one where I knew at least one person at the table but not everyone. As the weekend went on, it felt like I was collecting more and more people who I knew and who knew me by name. I didn't come close to interacting with all 150 or so at the retreat but I had conversations with quite a few of them.
Unlike last year, I even attended the optional group game times. Friday night, I learned a new card game as I chatted. On Saturday, I actively helped my team almost solve the mystery. I even was the representative for one of the mini games where I earned clues for my team.
I sang karaoke Saturday night (my song was "I hope you dance") and even got up on the dance floor to dance and sing along to "I want to dance with somebody" which was a full group song they chose to end the night.
And then when we had free time Saturday afternoon, I joined a small group of people to experience and talk about the labyrinth on the property. And then as that group dispersed, I discovered many of my cabin mates hanging out on the deck overlooking the lake. That's when I realized I was the only single person in my cabin. This was a group of parents with their small children playing among us. I was pleasantly surprised how they included me so well that I didn't feel out of place at all as the only single, non-parent.
Aside from sleeping and getting ready in the morning, there were only two brief moments where I found myself alone. I had about 15 minutes before lunch yesterday and then about 20 minutes before breakfast this morning. I took that time to sit in a rocking chair outside my cabin and write as I soaked in the view of the lake. I did enjoy those quiet moments, I love my time in nature, but I also felt a bit anxious to get back to the group.
I won't say I never felt awkward or shy throughout the weekend. I definitely had my moments. But I really enjoyed all the conversations and interactions.
So here I am Sunday afternoon, back home after a weekend filled with people and my apartment feels really quiet. My mind is buzzing with all that I experienced over the last approximately 48 hours. I can still feel the energy running through me. I think that if I was truly an introvert, I would instead feel exhausted after that experience.
The way I so instinctively focused on building community immediately after my ex-husband called it quits makes me wonder if deep down I knew this about myself. Not that both introverts and extroverts don't both need community - they absolutely do - I just think it is more instinctive for one group vs the other. And so as soon as I felt released from pouring everything into my now ex-husband, I finally had energy to follow my own instincts about myself.
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