Anger this morning

I am spitting mad this morning, swearing in the shower kind of angry, as I can feel my heart racing and am sure my blood pressure is rising.

When he suddenly (from my perspective) announced he wanted a divorce last year, we had six cruises booked, several with nonrefundable deposits.  He had one foot out the door while he was still spending our money on future trips, he had to know we might not take.

We lost the $400 deposit completely on one that would have happened last week.  That's $400 he threw away.  But that's not even the one that has me so angry this morning.

We had another one booked that he decided to move the deposit to another cruise.  That one had a $500 deposit plus a $100 change fee he paid before we divorced (so I'm pretty sure even that $100 was marital money).  In hindsight, we never added this to the balance sheet so this is free money he got.  At the time, I figured the money was a loss because I didn't actually believe I would be able to afford to cruise in the timeline it would need to be used by.  (I'm really glad I was wrong about that assumption!)

So combined that was $1000 of marital money that was a complete loss to me, money I never would have agreed to spend if he had been honest with me.

Last night and this morning, a slew of e-mails from Celebrity Cruises showed up in one of our joint e-mail accounts.  He added his girlfriend to that cruise where he moved the deposit.  Almost half the cost of that cruise was paid for with marital money.  So in essence, he is using (in part) my money to manipulate his next victim.

And this comes on the heels of information I learned that he took her and her two daughters to see Kamala Harris speak when she was in town last week.  He would not have had interest in hearing her speak on his own.  He actually disagreed with me about her run the last election.  He didn't like to talk politics much so when he spoke up, I feel like those were moments I actually saw the real him.  Those were moments that were a break from what I suspect was him mirroring me and what I wanted to hear.  So I am quite confident he did this just to impress her, to get her attached so he has a continued source of validation.

And maybe this hits me a bit harder right now because I've been reflecting a lot on the way he mirrored me and the other people in his life.  I'm seeing with clarity how much in each varying situation, he tried to become the person that would be liked, chosen, appreciated, validated, etc. without any sincerity or authenticity or true reciprocity.  And it bothers me that I didn't see it before.  Even if I was blinded by infatuation and immaturity in the beginning to see it in my own relationship with him, it should have become quite clear as I started observing his relationships with others.  

As the relationship ended last year and I started making something out my life, I realized he and I were very different in how we responded to life.  He lets the wind blow him where it may and complains about where the wind sets him down whereas I pull out my parachute to find some direction and then make something good of wherever I ultimately landed.  

I think this difference is also clear in the image he presents to the world.  He lets the world decide who he is as currency to extract from others what he needs and wants.  Every "gift" he gave was with an expectation of something in return, a way to manipulate others to get what he wanted.  In contrast, I stand as my own person, look internally for a lot of what I need and want and have built a community of reciprocal relationships where I don't have to manipulate people to step up.  They just do because they like the authentic person I am.  And I do the same for them, not expecting anything in return, but just because I like them and care about them.

Getting to the bottom of this blog post, I now feel that my heart rate is returning to normal.  It's amazing how my writing can do that.  To fill a page with all the negative emotions and organize them in a way I can understand and let go.  Re-reading the two paragraphs right above this one, I realize that lost $1000 is so worth what I have gained from losing him.  And the integrity that is reflected in my actions and the way I do my best to treat people matters far more.  And his girlfriend is an adult who can take care of herself.

Uptown Funk and an instinct to flee

There was a party in the street downtown this evening.  As a scootered by, the song "Uptown Funk" was playing.  Laughter bubbled up over me as I slowed my scooter down to listen as I passed.  I wonder if that song will ever not make me stop everything and pause.

I spent my marriage running from the song, literally.  He hated that song more than just about anything.  I don't even know why.  And you wouldn't believe how often it gets played at events!  It would just take the first beat and we would be hurrying out of the room.  I can even picture the way he would often cover his ears as we left.

I never understood why but I also didn't question it.  I just saw it as a quirk of his that I didn't need to understand to accommodate.   I do wonder though now all that I missed every time we ran out of the room.

The first time I heard it after the separation was last October.  They played it on the night small boat tour I took as we sipped rum drinks and made our way back to the cruise ship after exploring a shipwreck in the Bermuda Triangle.  He wouldn't have been able to escape that one!  That was probably the first time I got to hear the song all the way through.

I heard it again at the Orange Party on the late June/early July cruise.  I admit that I had a moment instinct to flee.  It was that ingrained and I wasn't confined like the small boat tour last October.  But then I realized I didn't have to and I raised my glass and weaved my way deeper into the crowd.

This evening I laughed in joy to be able to stop running.

A quiet low moment

In the early morning quiet as I sipped my coffee, my Facebook memories for today came up.  Today was the day I found out the divorce had been finalized and so there is a post about that.  Although I carefully chose my words, I can feel the pain behind them.  I got a little choked up as I felt myself temporarily return to that place.  Even as I recognize how much better off I am and even celebrate it, the way it ended was so cruel and painful.  That pain will probably take time before it no longer hits me in quieter moments like this morning.

Then there is a post with a new profile photo with the caption "Time for a new start, a new photo, and a new name".  I changed my name on Facebook that very day.  Reading it now, it comes across forced.  I wasn't ready.  But I also wasn't willing to wait until I was ready.  I learned last year that sometimes you just have to plunge forward because if you wait, the time will never be right and you will miss it all.

Then below those two memories is a post of him and I dangling our feet in the river in downtown Chattanooga three years ago.  Below that are two posts from five years ago that also include a photo of the two of us taking a walk in our city and ending at one of my favorite restaurants to order sushi burritos.  It was the height of COVID so the restaurant had set up a table outside to take and hand out to-go orders.

It's interesting that when I see these memories, I no longer focus on the disconnect between the then and when it ended.  Instead I wonder about the huge disconnect between my conscious view of our relationship and my body's view of the situation.  My body knew all along it wasn't good.  The signs go back to very early in our marriage.

I may never reconcile how someone I loved so much and saw so much good in could be so cruel but I'm grateful to have been given this opportunity to create something better.

My date with myself to celebrate my divorce anniversary

What a beautiful evening!  And the food was so good!  I'm so glad I did this, took this time to celebrate me.  I really don't have words so I'll just end with a few photos.

I even found a grate to boldly walk on!  Grates have become such a symbolic piece of my journey.

A sparkling rose to start the evening

These salmon skewers were my favorite of all I ate.  The drink is a citrus drink with Japanese whiskey.

The last colors of sunset on my walk home!

Daisies are my favorite flower and I just love this red and white combination.

Divorce Anniversary

On this day last year, at 3:53 p.m., the court entered the Final Judgment of Divorce in my case.  It was a Monday, the first business day after the required minimum 30 day waiting period had passed since filing the divorce.  But I didn't get notice that day.

I was still on a high from my trip to New York City, Bermuda, and DC which I had returned from on that Sunday.  It was Tuesday morning.  The office was mostly empty as it was still early.  As I was settling in, I got an e-mail from my now ex-husband telling me the divorce was final and that I would probably be hearing from my attorney but if I needed a copy of it he could forward it to me.  I don't think I ever responded to that e-mail.

I closed my office door, sunk to the ground, and cried.  The moment is still vivid in my mind even today and it brings me to the one other time that is just as vivid many years ago where I collapsed on my kitchen floor in tears as he left for work the first time I thought it was over, except this time it really was over.

Then I picked myself up and colleagues started to arrive so I went and found supports.  The day included a really nice lunch with several women.  I wrote about that day here.  

I remember once the initial emotions had run through me early that morning that I was just so pissed that he felt the need to be the one to tell me.  I did get an e-mail from my attorney later that morning with copies of the documents.  There was absolutely no reason he needed to be the one to disrupt my morning like that, absolutely no reason I needed to hear from him on that day.

So here I am today, a year later.  And I have come so far.  Seeing this date coming up on the calendar didn't leave me with any feelings of dread like I might have expected.  I didn't even worry that the day would be hard like previous milestones had been.  

I had needed to lean on friends for my wedding anniversary in June.  And I was so thankful to my family for the support on our family trip on the ship where I was married.  And July was overall a rough month with it being a year from when he called it quits and we started living separately in the same home.  And then when September came to mark one year living on my own, I proactively made plans with friends although I think by that time it was more about wanting to celebrate with them vs needing to lean on them.

This milestone feels like a victory.  I have made it through every single first year milestone, holiday, etc.  And I have used this year to do more growth than I could have ever imagined possible.  I have fallen back in love with myself.  I have reclaimed my energy.  Even amongst the sorrow, I have filled this year with more joy than I experienced in the over two decades I spent with my ex-husband.  I have started building something so incredibly beautiful out of my life.

And I have not only gone inward to re-find the authentic woman I am but simultaneously I have let the world in to finally see me.

What a truly amazing year it has been!  And I can't wait to see what I do with year two of this chapter.

But for now, I'm really looking to this evening.  I've got a big date planned for myself - a nice dress, meaningful jewelry, photos using my tripod, dinner and drinks, a small journal to fit in my purse to do some writing, flowers and chocolate.  The last milestones have been about the community I have built.  This one is all about me.

Falling in Love Again with Me

Falling in Love Again with Me

the horizon glows orange
a cool breeze enters as a piano plays
matching my internal rhythm
I feel the rise and fall of my breath

I hear my earlier laughter echo
along with the patter of my twirling toes
I whisper, “I love you”
and feel the intimacy wash over me

a burgundy dress hangs in the closet
a lacy overlay that begs to be caressed
the restaurant picked out for tomorrow
anticipation builds for my solo date

embracing each of my thoughts
I pause a moment with gratitude
continuing as thoughts build
I hold close my loosely held dreams

the peace I find in solitude
the courage I find in connection
continue to lead me back to me
in this greatest of all love story

Happiness

A cold front came through last night with some much needed rain and so the temperatures right now are in the upper 60s with low humidity and a gorgeous breeze.  I've opened up my patio doors and am welcoming in the sunshine and the wind.  Across the street at the brewery a band that is so easy to listen to plays with a saxophone leading the melody.  I've poured myself a glass of wine.  I've talked to my parents.  I really love the way our relationships have evolved over the last year.  Every conversation with them is so enjoyable.

And now I'm trying to decide if I'm brave enough to travel to Puerto Rico all on my own next December.  I mean I know I am but as I think through all the specific details I have to draw upon my courage.  Will I find the taxi stand at the airport?  Will the third party excursion I book to El Yunque National Park to tour the rainforest and view some beautiful waterfalls meet my expectations?  Will I enjoy the beach I pick for my hotel stay?  Will the hotel help me obtain transportation to the cruise port or should I make arrangements ahead of time?  Will the beach in Barbados remind me of my last visit there?  

In therapy this past week, I talked about how travel plays a different role in my life now.  After talking about how spontaneous my last trip was which was quite a contrast from previous trips, my therapist asked if all the time I invested in planning before was about trying to maintain control of the situation.  And there probably was some truth to that.  I'm not sure how much control I had in my marriage but I definitely had a lot of control in the plans I made for all our travels.

But I think now there's a hesitation to do the planning because I no longer have someone to help me implement the plan.  And not that he actually was all that helpful but he was another presence that theoretically I could have turned to if we ran into issues.  I don't know that we ever ran into anything that I couldn't handle myself but the lack of someone else standing next to me as a fall back is intimidating.  For no good reason though!

It's funny how my confidence stumbles even in situations where I am perfectly capable.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on a tangent about my confidence.  I truly am just enjoying this day.  The weather, the dreams, the music, the slow pace - it is all quite glorious.

I used to be so small and invisible

Before the church service starts, after I have put on my choir robe, I find a spot in the balcony to just observe people.  This wonderful older lady who sings next to me often joins me.  Sometimes we talk.  Sometimes we just sit.  

Today I told her about my plans to take myself on a date for my divorce anniversary and she mentioned how far I have come and started talking about the moment last year when I disclosed to her that I was going through a divorce.  She said before that moment, I was just a quiet, introverted person who sat next to her who she didn't actually know.  And so she told me about how she was reacting internally to me suddenly opening up about this as she tried to make sense of what I was saying with the silent woman she had sat next to for months.

That made me think back to the day I opened up to one of my colleagues last year.  I had been present for office gossip conversations.  I had listened to her tell her stories about her mother-in-law and her family.  But I had shared very little of myself.  On that day, she was complaining about her mother-in-law to several of us colleagues.  As we both walked back to our offices which were near each other, I said, "I don't have to deal with a mother-in-law anymore."  I still remember the look on her face until my story started to tumble out.

Before the separation last year, I was an almost invisible presence in my daily life.  My co-workers knew my name and that I scootered to work but not a lot else.  I had rarely said a word in the choir I had been singing in since 2019.  People knew of me at church but didn't actually know me.

And for all the work I've done in the last year, did you know that there isn't a single non-family person in my life today that knows my birthday?  I hadn't even shared it with the one friend I had, the one I wrote about yesterday.  I have her birthday in my phone and I think both her kids' birthdays but I don't think I ever shared mine with her.

Today's conversation and ones I've had with others over the last weeks and months remind me of how small and invisible I used to be.  It makes me kind of sad at what all I missed by hiding in the shadows.  I let him drain so much of my energy that I didn't have time to find my space in a larger, fuller, more connected world.

Grief over a friendship

It was a Facebook post of the protest she attended today that reminded me of my friend's absence.  She was the one local friend I had when this all started early last summer.  And yet she has been mostly missing in action since then.  When I needed someone most, she didn't have time.  When I asked her to check in on me regularly even with just a quick text, weeks and months would go by in silence.  

On several occasions, she cancelled the plans we made.  Even though she lives a 15 minute drive from me and works a half mile from me, we have only seen each other 4 or 5 times in the last year and a half.  There have been no phone calls in between, texts have been very infrequent, short, and superficial, nor does she interact with most of my Facebook posts.

I quickly learned last year that I couldn't depend on her.  I suppose I've been grieving the loss of the close friendship I thought I had with her at the same time I've been grieving the loss of the illusion that my marriage was.  As I type that out, I realize how significant that is.  I lost close relationships with the only two people who knew me well in this entire state at the same time.

The beauty of this blog is that when I type things out that really hit home, I can just pause and sit with it a moment.  The evening breeze is flowing in from outside, embracing me in this pain.  The music playing at the brewery across the street seems so distant.  Tears threaten but won't fall.

I am sad.  I am disappointed.  I'm frustrated with the internal battle inside of me that for the last year has tried to weigh how much I enjoy the moments I do get with this friend with the pain of her silence.  I've distanced myself a fair bit since I realized that I couldn't trust her to be there, although not cut off contact.  I've eliminated my expectations of her and turned to building a new community of people who are mostly showing up consistently.  That's helped temper my disappointment some but it hasn't eliminated the pain and the grief.

I played a role in it.  I didn't ask much of her.  This whole year has been a steep learning curve as I gain confidence in asking for any help.  So last summer and even fall, I struggled to speak up.  I didn't even know what to say.  I didn't yet know what I needed from people and what I could reasonably ask of them.  I remember her telling me last year that she knows that if the roles were reversed I would be there holding her as she cried and that she would be blowing up my phone.  I definitely never blew up her phone and I'm not sure she ever even saw me cry.  That conversation was so early on, I didn't know how to use it to speak up about what would be most helpful to me.

But still I did occasionally ask for very specific things of her that she didn't follow through on.  And the cancellations of plans hit hard.  What hurt the most though was that she never seemed concerned with whether I was okay.  She knew if the roles were reversed she would fall apart but didn't bother to check in and see if I was falling apart.

I'm so grateful for the community I have built thus far and for the people who have shown up for me.  Maybe this loss pushed me to invest in something larger.  But I'm still really sad that one of the people who knew me the best couldn't be bothered to show up for me at a time when I was losing the one other non-family person who knew me the best.

Listen to your body

I slept an uninterrupted eight hours last night.  My sleep the past couple weeks seems to be normal again.  And I'm not so tired during the day anymore.

And this morning when I looked in the mirror, I realized the skin irritation on the right side of my face near my jaw line was completely gone.  There's not even a trace of it!  And I can't recall the last time, I ran my fingers across it so clearly it has been healing over these past weeks, maybe months.  That one spot had refused to heal for years.  I think it even predates my move to the south in 2018.  Can stress affect the skin?  I suppose.

This is just one more reminder that in the future I need to listen to my body a whole lot more.  This past year has been really eye opening as I start to understand all the clues it was giving me over the last two decades.  The chronic pain, the digestive issues, the struggle with weight gain, the lack of energy, and this skin irritation were all (not so subtle) clues from my body.

Joy

I just stumbled upon a live thread I had done for our last cruise together on Cruise Critic (a forum for cruisers) and it reminded me that regardless of how much better my life is without him, I still found joy even when I was with him.

That's something I admire about myself - my ability to find joy in any circumstance.

Unconcerned, inconsiderate, self-absorbed

A Flashback

a flashback to a dealership
in pain I sprawl
stretching on an dirty showroom floor
unconcerned the deal went on

a flashback to a conversation dismissed
a dream of a drastic change
I only had questions
but I was accused of not supporting

a flashback to a vacation in paradise
I planned for him and his mom,
me an afterthought, the third wheel
my efforts unrecognized

a flashback to a gray car
he never forgot, not in two decades
the way I contradicted him
about the color I wanted for my car

a flashback to a balcony I gave up
for an apartment he had to have
that I knew he would hate
I was right and I missed that balcony

a flashback to the school-year visits
that had to be perfect
yet took energy I did not have
he wouldn’t say no

a flashback to the end
I asked for communication, closure
he even had a therapist to help him
yet it wasn’t worth his time

he showed me who he was
two decades ago
yet I did not believe

I took my journal to the Greek restaurant next door this evening and wrote and wrote as I sipped wine and ate good food.  (And took a giant slice of chocolate cake home.)

The rose colored glasses are gone and now all I can see are the ways he was so self-absorbed he couldn't even consider my needs.  I'm angry at him for the ways he used me and I'm angry at me for ever aligning myself with someone who didn't match my values.  I think the chocolate cake will help me get over it though.  And I'm loving the fresh air flowing into my apartment this evening.

Finding myself

I read something this morning on my social media feed about how finding yourself isn't actually about discovering someone new, it's about remember who you were before the world changed you.  That really resonated with me.

This last year (and continuing) has been an exploration into what feels most authentic to me.  It's been about understanding and shedding the influence of my ex-husband and probably all the societal expectations that came with stepping into adulthood as a newly married woman.

And what I'm finding is a version of the little girl I enjoyed as a child who has grown up, learned from her mistakes, found a bit more confidence, reclaimed her energy, and is pushing back against external expectations that don't serve her.  And it really has been and continues to be a beautiful process to reconnect with her and step into the adult version of her that I want to be.

I'm planning a date for myself next Tuesday, the anniversary of my divorce.  It will be a celebration of work I have done to remember who I am and rebuild that relationship with myself.  This morning as I dressed for work, I brushed my fingers over the texture of the dress, I think I've decided I will wear.

Cruelty in this world

Sometimes these days my optimism and positivity fade a bit.  I still see the good around me - the positive in what is happening and the positive things I'm making happen out of the hurdles.  But I'm not blind to the chaos, confusion, and destruction that is ever-present this year (and in a different way, last year).

I keep striving to see the good in people but then their ugliness figuratively slaps me in the face.  I struggle to understand why people can treat others the way they too often do.  I don't want to understand that kind of cruelty.

This post is about the ninth vote that happened in the Senate today.  It's about the hiring restrictions that came out today.  It's about the mass firings.  It's about the Politico article.  It's about the division I see on Threads and the way the algorithms implemented by rich corporate CEO's play a role in that division.  It's about the AI videos being put out by people in power.  It's about some of the limited interactions at work in a mostly empty office.

And it's about my ex-husband.

It feels like just as I have discovered my own internal light again, the light of the world collectively has dimmed.

I haven't lost hope and I feel very disappointed.  

My favorite song right now is "Be a Light" by Thomas Rhett featuring a lot of big names including Reba McEntire.  I'm going to go listen to it now.

A Walgreen Receipt

I don't think he realizes that his Walgreen receipts still go to a joint e-mail account we haven't yet closed yet.  He clearly doesn't shop at Walgreens often as I only recall seeing one other such e-mail in the last e-mail.  The reason I hesitate to close the joint e-mail accounts is because of how many things might still be tied to it, like Walgreens.  Just when I think I've made it through all my accounts, I find another.  Clearly the same is true for him.

But anyways, back to this particular Walgreens receipt from Saturday.  It kind of surprised me but then I laughed at the irony.  It was mostly for Maybelline products.  To put this in some context, on Saturday, we were on day 11 of a government shutdown which they are predicting could last into November.  He is a furloughed government employee that has received his last paycheck until the government re-opens and although I don't know how likely it is, there are threats that furloughed employees won't get backpay this time.

During the last long government shutdown which lasted 35 days that we weathered together, we cut our non-essential expenses to as close to zero as possible.  I can't imagine dating a federal worker right now and being okay with him spending money while his income is so uncertain on things for me, especially personal cosmetic products.  At a time like this, I would be using my own income for all of my own expenses and minimizing or covering date costs.  Maybe he has found someone as self-absorbed as he is.  That would make for an interesting pair!

I have some curiosity about his life and his girlfriend because I kind of want to understand what he meant by us not being compatible.  Although, if he is just mirroring her, am I really learning anything from observing him now? The ending was filled with so much chaos and confusion with his lack of communication that I'm left with watching these clues, if I want to try to understand his mindset.  I hope someday I'll get to the point where I've accepted that I won't ever understand but I'm not quite there yet.  But in the meantime, every clue like this is confirmation of why I'm better off without him.  I'm definitely NOT compatible with what I have been seeing.

A different person in different scenarios

My ex-husband was a different person in different scenarios.  Around his Mom he would act really entitled and quick to judge others, often for things he thought was okay for him to do.  He would be more cautious, less likely to try something new or adventurous.  He would order the exact same thing both of his parents did at restaurants.

I think this added another layer onto my struggles to connect with his Mom because in addition to her own challenging behaviors, she also brought out some challenging behaviors in my ex-husband.  The two would feed off each other's negativity, judgment, paranoia, entitlement, etc.

When he was with friends and colleagues, but he seemed to really mirror the person he was with.  There was a friend years ago that was a very abrasive, crude, and at times a mean person.  I used to dread the time we spent with that friend because some of those same traits would creep out in my ex-husband.  Earlier in his career, he found an ally with a common enemy in another colleague, and the two of them would spiral into an almost obsession of this other colleague.  

He had a female colleague in recent years where his interactions with her just felt weird.  I don't know how to describe it.  I never got the gut reaction to her that I needed to worry about him with her like I did with his crush but it still always felt a bit off.  I suppose it is the ones that brought out what felt most contradictory that stand out most.

Thinking back to the beginning of my relationship with him, I remember feeling like we were so incredibly aligned, in values, in what we wanted out of life, in how our personalities meshed.  In hindsight, he was probably mirroring me.  

As the marriage progressed, I think there were some ways he felt more free around me.  I got to see a side of him that loved adventure and spontaneity, the opposite of what he displayed around his Mom.  And although, I now realize he still held back a lot, I got to see a much wider range of emotions - I suppose this part was necessary if he was going to lean on me to help him manage them.  

I now realize he also held back on a lot (but not all) of his judgments and criticisms with me because I wouldn't participate in it.  In a bit of irony, he used to get irritated when my parents got critical, while refusing to see the same behavior in himself.

His comments at the end that we weren't compatible really confounded me.  With the information I had about him at the time, I didn't see how we could be more compatible.  When I asked him why, he pointed to superficial things like me not liking horror movies or playing video games with him but those aren't relationship incompatible things - those are differences in interests that make a relationship more interesting.  But maybe he really felt a deeper incompatibility with how much he had mirrored me and as a result silenced himself.  I'll probably never know what was authentic to him and what was just a mirrored image.

How much do I mirror others?  How much do I show up as a contradicting person in different scenarios?  And I'm talking about something more than just adjusting for what is appropriate in different circumstances.  We all use different language around our boss than we do around our closest friends.  We share different things about ourselves with different groups of people.  But those differences shouldn't be start contrasts of one another, right?  

This past year, I have really focused on tapping into what is authentic to me and my relationships all feel really authentic.  So I would be surprised if today people saw significant contradictions in my behavior in different scenarios.

But what about all the years leading up to now?  Outside of my marriage, I don't think so.  I've always been someone who worries little about what people think and has a strong sense of self.  But inside my marriage, did I at times to cope?  I know I made myself smaller and convinced myself I didn't need much in the relationship.  There probably were ways I mirrored to just avoid making waves.

Why did I not see through his mirroring?  I was aware of the discrepancies.  I was even irritated by them at times.  I suppose that is what made the illusion I created of him all the more necessary if I was going to stay loyal to him.  I needed some way to make sense of what I was seeing.

The role travel plays

I almost cancelled this trip.  I'm in a phase where I'm trying to save money and for some odd reason a weekend away didn't seem quite as important.  As this trip comes to an end, I have realized these trips play a different purpose now.

Before it was about escape, escape from the monotony of life, maybe even escape from the day to day of my marriage.  I used to count the days until the next trip.  And there wasn't a federal holiday that I didn't earmark for some trip which was prompted my gut reaction to book a hotel for this weekend.

Now the trips just sneak up on me.  The days between trips no longer feel like just marking time.  These trips no longer feel like an escape.  I have a full life now that I don't need to escape from.  Now it is about the journey and what I can learn about myself.  And it's about reconnecting with my spiritual side, my draw to Mother Nature.  It's a way to remind myself of my place in this world.

I walked two and half miles (round-trip) on the beach last night after sunset.  I arrived just as the sun had dipped below the horizon.  The breathtaking colors were reflecting off the sand where the waves had retreated, the same sand where sanderlings were running along.  I followed those sanderlings until the last light faded and all I could see where the lights of the condos in the distance and the beginnings of the stars coming out above my head.  

And then I turned around.  The moon had not risen yet but my eyes had slowly adjusted as the sunlight had faded away.  The waves crashing on the sand sounded so much louder, drowning out my thoughts.  Occasionally, I could hear the songs of the sanderlings as they flew past me.  The sand where the waves had just retreated felt warm to my bare feet while the rest of the sand was starting to cool with the night air.  Occasionally a large wave would surprise me, splashing the hem of my dress and making me smile.

It's moments like this that leave me in awe as I feel the connection between my body and the earth, as I get lost in the present moment without a care for the past or the future.  As my life feels small, yet without losing meaning and significance, in a world that is so much greater than me.

So maybe I didn't "need" this trip in the same way I used to feel I needed these weekend trips but it has added to my journey in ways I couldn't have contemplated when I booked this hotel a few months ago.  I'm so glad I didn't cancel.

Is his ghost at the beach?

I thought I had picked a beach location I had never been before.  I realize it’s hard to keep track because we always went wherever the hotel rates were cheapest which allowed us to experience a new part of the Gulf of Mexico each time.  But my memory isn’t that bad.  I thought I had a general sense of all the places I had been.

But last night as I drove the last couple blocks to my hotel, I passed the Fairfield Inn.  I could see us having breakfast in the front room near the entrance, the morning sunlight pouring in. And this morning, as I sit in the sand listening to the waves and watching the terns fish and the sanderlings scurry as the waves rush in, I can picture us standing on this very stretch of sand, the same condos in the distance, the state park behind us.

There may be a bit of his ghost here but it’s not really here because the thing about the shoreline, the beaches, the waves is that they are never the same.  You can’t put your feet in the same water twice.  The sand that you lay on is constantly shifting, eroding, being blown into the sea grass or being swallowed up by the sea itself.  So even if he was by my side, we wouldn’t be standing on the same sand and walking in the same water.

And like this beach, today we are definitely not the same people we were when we were here a little over two years ago.  So I’m going to sit on this empty section of the beach and enjoy the solitude that renews and restores me.  I’m going to breathe in the new-found energy and joy that this year has shown me.

The greater context of my personal challenges

As I follow the news and social media groups regarding today's politics that hit very close to home, I hope that when I go back and read this years in the future, I remember the greater context.  I've had one of the most challenging years of my life on a personal level and it happened to coincide with what will likely be written about in history books as one of the most challenging years for my country in recent history.  And my personal circumstances put me right in the thick of it all.

And although it has been quite scary to face all alone, I now can clearly see how much more easily I am able to face it now that I am no longer married to him.  It's almost as if the universe saw this coming and chose last year to meddle in my marriage to prepare me for this year.  That's crazy isn't it?

I love you, TOO

This had not even crossed my mind until I was talking to my therapist last night.  Years ago, I stopped saying "too" when I responded to his "I love you" and instead just responded back "I love you."  I felt that the "too" made it sound too conditional like my love depended on his love for me.

I remember talking to him about this and telling him why I no longer said "too".  I think it was actually multiple conversations over time.  Even after those conversations, he still always responded with "I love you, too."  I can't say I thought a lot of it.  My intention in telling him my reasoning was not to change him but to explain to him what the phrase meant to me.  In my mind, it was a reassurance to him and an alignment to what I felt.

In hindsight, I feel like there were a lot of little ways I was constantly reassuring him.  He always seemed to have more doubts than I did.  Or maybe there just never was any space for my doubts.  I wonder if all my efforts to reassure him also served as a way to convince myself of something that wasn't quite true.  When you say something enough times, you start to believe it is true.  Or the repetition doesn't leave space in your brain to recognize when the truth of it evolves into something less true.

I really paused during therapy last night as this memory came up.  I hadn't yet thought of it in the context of the clarity and hindsight I have now.

It's one more example of how unbalanced our relationship was and how the consideration only flowed one direction.   If he truly had consideration for me, he would have dropped saying "too" himself or talked more with me about how he felt about it.  Instead he just silently accepted my explanation of something that was important to me yet did what he wanted regardless of my feelings.

When I start adding up all the big and small ways he disregarded things that were important to me, it starts to feel really intentional.  His "I love you"s feel really meaningless.  How can someone profess to love another for over two decades and have so little consideration for them.?  How can someone love a person they don't actually care about?  I suppose I will never understand that because I can't see myself ever treating a person that way.