I walk unfamiliar spaces that I know I once walked before.

Do I want a souvenir of this ship or not? Am I making new memories or is the ghost of my wedding and honeymoon haunting me?

I’m writing this on Thursday evening as the first week is coming to a close although it won’t post until I have cell coverage again.

I don’t really feel anything besides a vague absence. But I also am not sure I have paused long enough to acknowledge any feelings. This is my first real quiet moment where I have time to write since embarkation day on Saturday. Several times I’ve tried to find a quiet lounge to sit in and it doesn’t take long before someone in my family spots me and sits down.

I don’t recognize the interior spaces of the ship. I don’t know how much of that is because I just don’t remember the details from twenty years ago vs how much of the ship has changed significantly enough in refurbishments. It’s probably some of both. So in that way, it does not feel familiar.

But there are still some non-ship specific reminders of him. They played Uptown Funk as I walked into the Orange Party a couple nights ago. He hated that song so much we usually tried to walk out of any venue playing it. This time I didn’t need to walk out.

I can see him on the promenade deck - we have spent time on the promenade deck on every cruise we have taken.

It’s weird to have photos taken by myself, although I don’t have to feel like I’m dragging him to the various backdrops. I can just enjoy posing in front of the ones I want.

I don’t have many charging cords in our cabin - maybe partly because I brought a couple less electronics but also because I didn’t have to share outlets with his devices too.

And when I found those maple crystal candies we discovered on our cruise ten years ago, I was reminded of how much he enjoyed them.

The sales staff in the watch shop didn't admire the nice watch I’m wearing like they always did when he was by my side. They must assume it’s a man who buys the nice jewelry for a woman. 

Interestingly, most of the reminders of him are negative, that must be where my focus is now.  The truth is, I don’t want him here. Although I sometimes miss having a partner to travel with, I don’t actually miss him.

Friday morning before I had reached cell coverage to publish this post, I wrote this stanza of a poem that I am still working on, so this is unedited but I think adds to my ramblings in this post.

this ship holds memories that I cannot recall

I walk unfamiliar spaces

that I know I once walked before

a troublesome feeling

when I actually pause long enough to feel it